articles
15 Ways to Break the Law of the Instrument
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once famously remarked: “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” That’s known as The Law of the Instrument – and many of us have one or two well-worn instruments, tools, and approaches that we use to help our colleagues, friends and family solve problems.
I know this first-hand: A decade ago after I graduated from coaching school I realized that my version of The Law of the Instrument was, “When what you are is a coach, every problem looks coachable.” Since one of the most useful tools in the coaching toolkit is curiosity, I asked a lot of questions. I mean, a LOT of questions. It got to the point that I would ask my kids, “How was your day at school?” or “What would you like for dinner?” and would hear, in response, “Are you trying to coach me???”
Point taken. Even though Albert Einstein himself said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning,” the people around me said, “Please give your questioning a rest.”
Now, ten years and hundreds of clients later, I now have a wide range of instruments that I can use to be helpful, depending on whether someone wants direction, advice, support, empathy, instruction, problem-solving or yes, coaching. And it took a lot of work to cultivate a toolkit where I could feel equally comfortable pulling out any instrument and using it well. But the most important development for me was not assuming that I knew what help my client, colleague, friend or kid wanted or needed, but offering them a robust list of helpful approaches from which they could choose. Chances are, you have one or two well-worn instruments that you use regularly (such as problem-solving or brainstorming) and it might be time for you to add some new ones to your toolkit.
You might like the feel of a new instrument in your hand – and you might be able to help the people you work, volunteer and live with might have a breakthrough that wouldn’t have been possible with the tools you’ve been using.
Ready to break the Law of the Instrument? Here is my list of 15 new ones to offer:
- Listen without judgment
- Ask open-ended questions
- Play “Devil’s Advocate”
- Brainstorm 50 new ideas
- Empathize
- Connect you to an expert in the field
- Teach you a skill
- Share my own experience/path
- Give a pep talk/cheerlead
- Help you prioritize
- Take notes while you download your thoughts
- Help you develop evaluation criteria
- Do it along side you
- Send you articles, videos and other resources
- Fix it for you
What are some other instruments you use? Post below.
38 Ways to Say No (and Still Preserve the Relationship)
1. I’m not available then, but could be available on (insert date)
Would that date work?
2. Oh, I will be so disappointed to miss this!
3. While I would love to do that for you, [insert type of priorities] preclude it. I hope you understand.
4. I am so flattered that you asked but unfortunately cannot do that. Can I help you brainstorm someone who might be available?
5. Normally, I would say yes, but I have already committed to ________ at the same time.
6. Right now, I am saying no to all invitations (on this topic, at this timeframe, etc.).
7. I need to decline, but warmly request that you keep me in mind for future meetings/events. Would you please reach out again?
8. I try very hard not to make commitments I will likely need to cancel, and because of the timing here, I would likely need to cancel at the last minute, leaving you in a last-minute scramble to find someone else. Because of that, I will need to say no.
9. That sounds like a fantastic event/opportunity/cause, and I know that I will be sorry to miss it.
10. I cannot attend in person, but I wonder how I can help in some other way. Should we brainstorm ideas?
11. I don’t feel that this is the right fit for me. Can I share with you the kinds of project or priorities that DO feel like a good fit for you to know for down the road?
12. I am so grateful for the opportunity and for you thinking of me. However, I am in demand at the moment with appointments made months ago. I can also recommend x and y and z, who would be great
13. I can’t, but let me take a look at who might be available to fill in for me.
14. My schedule is completely booked for the next {insert timeframe}. Would you please reach back out after then?
15. I am so sorry to decline but I have a prior engagement. Here’s what I’d like to do, though: let me put a note in our files indicating that I needed to turn this request down so that next time, I can move your request to the front of the line.
16. Right now, I am only accepting requests related to X priority. Since this request seems to be about Y priority, let me put you in touch with someone who handles Y.
17. I have reached my [weekly/monthly/quarterly/annual] quota for [speaking engagements, consulting, meetings, panels, rallies, etc.]. Things should open up again by [insert month]. Please reach back out to me then.
18. I hate to admit this but I have already said yes to two events that day, and will need to cancel at least one of those. I don’t want to cancel two.
19. I have recently had some unexpected events come up and so I won’t be scheduling anything new at this time.
20. I will be out of town.
21. I don’t do X, as a rule.
22. I’m good at X, but not great at it. Let me suggest some people who are great at it.
23. It sounds like our budgets aren’t in the same ballpark. If you have flexibility, terrific. And if not, I completely understand and know that you’ll find someone great within your price-range.
24. I will need more information to make a decision. Can you please send me….?
25. I adore the cause, but simply can’t commit right now/I need to decline.
26. I don’t know and I don’t want to hold you up so feel free to ask someone else.
27. You’re so kind to think of me. Thank you. Sadly, I need to decline.
28. Not this time. When’s the next opportunity available for something like this?
29. If only I had a clone then I could be in two places at once!
30. I am heads-down on a project right now, and won’t be coming up for air for the next [insert timeframe].
31. When do you need to know by? I ask because if it’s in the next {week/month/quarter], I will need to say no.
32. Right now, I am only saying yes to very select opportunities that fall into [insert area of focus], and unfortunately this doesn’t meet the criteria.
33. I’m not available for that, but I know someone who is working on a common agenda/goal/objective. Let me connect you!
34. Others have made similar requests, and I have said no to all of those.
35. X is my top priority right now, so I am devoting all of my time to that.
36. With x # of this type of request coming in every month, I have had to limit the number of acceptances in order to make time for other business. I am at my limit.
37. I have committed to my clients that X would be my leading priority this year. For that reason, I will need to say no to this invitation in order to make good on my commitment.
38. Thank you so much, but no.
…and just for fun…
10 Things NOT to Say
1. You’re joking, right?
2. I have commitment issues.
3. This request is below my pay grade.
4. I wish I had the luxury of entertaining such a whimsical request.
5. What do I have to say to get you to understand that NO means NO?
6. I no longer commit to causes that make me feel like a hypocrite.
7. As if!
8. Sure, at half-past never.
9. Yuck!
10. N to the O.
The Power of a Six Word Ask
By Guest Maven Alina Gerlovin Spaulding
It is legend that Hemingway was challenged to write a novel in just 6 words… to which he responded: “For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn.”
There’s a terrific story about Earnest Hemingway, which, like most stories about him, begins as a bar brawl.
Years later, Smith Magazine challenged readers to write their memoirs in 6 words. Nearly overnight, there were so many compelling responses, that they published a book called: Not Quite What I Was Planning.
A dear friend and fellow philanthropist and fundraiser, Alison Lebovitz, ran a program by which I was completely taken. In a room full of female leaders, she said: “everyone has a story, what’s yours?” She challenged us to introduce ourselves, in just six words. Although nearly every person in the room was a friend of mine, I learned more in the brevity and intention of those six-word introductions than I may have ever learned in years of friendship. The most important aspects were distilled and communicated.
I started using this technique with other groups… I asked a group of day school heads to capture the mission of their school in 6 words: “Keep climbing, the view is awesome.” And for a new, low-cost private school, in New York, we heard “It’s affordable, go have another kid!” When I asked a group of teen leaders to tell me a 6-word story about how they intend to change the world, one teen said: “I don’t now where to start.” Someone who did this project with Dr. Ruth said that her story was: “I wish for everyone, great sex!”
I know a very quick thinking, impatient rabbi who said, “I got it in 5”. These two made me smile: “My life made my therapist laugh” and “fourth choice to prom, still overcompensating”.
Here are some other examples that might resonate:
The work we do is sacred.
We help Jews, wherever they are.
My community is a global one.
Why Federation? I can give directly.
LOVE the J! Ask me Y!
Another generation, hanging at the JCC.
Thank G-d for non-Jewish members!
There’s something magical about the ease and brevity of this task. Now, when I start working on a development project, I ask the team or the leader to give me the mission of the project in 6 words. They always laugh, but when they actually get it, it opens a new dimension. What’s the story of your passion?
If you’d like to learn how to create critical messaging for different types of donors and prospects, become more comfortable (and successful) at asking, and learn how to steward your donors for the long haul, join me for my four week online Maven Class: Donor Development Strategies for Breakthrough Results starting this spring. Early-bird registration now available!
A Great Way to Use $10,000 That You Don’t Have
By Guest Maven Beth Steinhorn
As a nonprofit leader, you likely know many people who are passionate about your mission. You hopefully also know that passionate people are more likely to share their time and talent (not to mention their treasure) with your organization.
How can you best tap into that passion so that these individuals can be involved in ways that are truly helpful in addressing organizational needs?
Start by generating a list of organizational needs. What skills or talents would benefit you and your department in achieving your highest priorities?
If that question is difficult, then try this “$10,000 Question”:
Imagine that an anonymous donor just contributed $10,000 to your department for the sole purpose of hiring a part time contractor for one project or activity over the next 12 months. Whom would you hire?
Amazingly, that question really gets the ideas flowing! And, what’s more amazing is that 95% of the time, there are passionate, skilled volunteers in your world who have the skills and interest to take on one of those tasks. Furthermore, they won’t require the $10,000 – though they will require an investment of time and support in developing and nurturing a successful staff-volunteer partnership.
Here are a few roles that volunteer partners can fulfill:
- Consultant: Provide professional skills and/or content expertise
- Coach/Mentor: Share wisdom, advice, and support in a specialty area
- Trainer: Impart knowledge and understand adult learning
- Evaluator: Assess results and impact for the purpose of quality improvement
- Project Manager: Facilitate a process from beginning to end
- Team Leader: Volunteers leading volunteers and creating team culture
What type of partner could help you achieve your goals, build your capacity so your job is easier, and make a difference for your organization and community? Reimagine what partnership can look like… and the possibilities are endless.
Are you registered for our “Powerful Partnerships: Creating High Impact Staff-Volunteer Partnerships” class?
If you work with volunteers, you know that the relationship is only as good as your expectations, communications and celebrations. But how much time are you putting into making that work? Whether your answer is “not enough!” or “too much!”, this online course will help you be more strategic and thoughtful in creating mutually satisfying partnerships that last.
Classes start March 30 reserve your spot by clicking here NOW!
The High Cost of a Single Missing Leadership Trait
“The task of the leader is to get his people from where they are to where they have not been.” – Henry A. Kissinger
When you think about leaders you admire – whether it’s Moses or Miriam, the CEO of your organization or the president of your Board – you likely see in them several well-known and well-regarded leadership skills and attributes: vision, passion, confidence, strategic thinking, conflict management, results-orientation, integrity, decision-making and more.
These leadership traits make up a critical combination of competence, commitment and character – and hopefully, you demonstrate many of these yourself whether you hold a leadership title or not.
But there’s one more crucial leadership trait that, according to Harvard University business professor and social psychologist Ann Cuddy, can make all the difference between you and your organization being loved or loathed. And more importantly, it’s a trait that everyone in your organization who interfaces with customers, members, donors, or prospects needs to cultivate if they don’t have it already.
What’s in the secret leadership sauce?
The added ingredient associated with the most effective leaders of our organizations is Warmth. Warmth is the very first trait that people perceive about us, and based on that initial reading – whether we like it or not – people decide whether our intentions are positive or negative.
Warmth is considered more important and more influential than competence (our ability to do the job). And while the people with whom we work may forgive us for a breach in competence, studies show that “a single instance of negative-warmth behavior is likely to irredeemably categorize the perpetrator as a cold person.”
So what does that mean? It means that your front office staff member who gets things done but has a brusque tone is costing your organization credibility. It means that a supervisor who is brilliant at the technical aspects of her job but who is described as having an “edge” is costing you staff morale. It means that the fundraiser on your team whose numbers are good but who also rubs some donors and prospects the wrong way is costing you money.
It means that every single member of your organization needs to know that making people feel included, engaged, respected – and cared about – is a part of his or her job description.
Here are 10 ways to increase feelings of warmth among your team, in the organization, and with customers, members, donors, and prospects:
- Increase the number of agenda-free “casual conversations” you have.
- Give others your complete attention (no cell phones, emails, looking over their shoulders for someone more interesting, etc.).
- Be curious about other people’s work and non-work activities.
- Share your own personal and professional challenges with your colleagues.
- Demonstrate empathy for others’ challenges.
- Let rumors, gossip and bad news die at your desk.
- Be willing to apologize when you make a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings.
- Trust others and be trustworthy yourself.
- Use inviting body language, such as eye contact, smiling and nodding.
- Explain your intentions to others when making decisions or taking actions that affect them.
If you, your team and your leaders could use some help getting even warmer this summer, email us at headcoach@myjewishcoach.com.
Reading this Blog (and Oprah, Business Week, and People Magazine) Can Dramatically Change Your Relationships!
I’ve got a file 3 inches thick called “IDEAS” that sits on my desk as a receptacle for every article I rip out of newspapers and magazines. Whether it’s Psychology Today, Entrepreneur, or yes, even Oprah Magazine, if I read it, and think someone else could relate to it, I rip it out.
- Read it
- Relate it
- Rip it
Many of these articles are food for thought for my newsletters, articles and blogs. Some of them are for home use, and I’m very, very careful with the articles I read, relate and rip for my husband Michael. Trust me: he has no patience for the thinly-veiled ruse called, “I saw this article and thought you’d be interested in it” when in fact, I really mean “Here’s an article I read that highlights something about your personality, behavior or habits I’d really like you to change, and I am hoping the article can do the dirty work rather than me speaking with you about it directly or realizing that this just isn’t going to change. That doesn’t fly around here. Other articles are for you (yes, YOU) and if you haven’t gotten one from me yet, I look forward to sending one your way soon!
Here are some of the articles I have hanging around:
- Time-Saving Tools and Technologies for Professional Speakers
- It’s Showdown Time: How to Take the Fight Out of Confrontations
- Leadership in Turbulent Times
- Transforming Professional Relationships
- 10 Blogs to Write Today (I’m actually using this one RIGHT NOW)
I consider my bank of articles (and yes, sometimes they are online and I email a link to them) one of my best relationship-building tools. I love reading something and thinking, “Aha! Amy would love this one!” and then sending it along. It’s a win-win – you get something of value and I get the opportunity to give you something useful that demonstrates that I genuinely know what’s important to you and that I care. And when someone sends ME an article? Well, I am tickled pink. Even if it’s not quite on target, the very act of you thinking of ME makes me happy.
I do notice that the articles my mom sends me tend to focus on a particular theme: They are typically about people who do what I do – coaches, speakers and trainers — and are much more famous than I am. Because I know her and love her (and I know that she loves me), I recognize that her goal is not to make me feel like an underachiever. In fact, her consistent message through her articles is: “You should be every bit as famous as these people are – if not more!” Mom, if it’s bashert it’s bashert. I know that you’re relying on me to get you into the Oscars one day. Right now, I’m happy to have a job that I love. And thanks for always wanting the best for me!
So, as a personal and professional relationship-building tool, keep reading. And relating. And ripping. (Sending is, of course, the final step). Want me to send you an article? Email me your address and I’ll pop one in the mail that you’ll LOVE! Besides, I’m always looking for a reason to quit work early and cuddle up with the new Real Simple!
To your Succcess without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
http://www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
