coaching
A Taste of My Own Medicine
This past Monday, I had surgery. I knew it was coming – in fact, I put it off for three months so I could be with my kids during vacation, dance at my friend’s wedding, and make good on my business travel commitments. Very strategic of me, I must say. When the doctor told me to expect 1-2 weeks of recovery if there were no complications, I thought she meant for other people. I recalculated her time estimate for “Deb-Time” (which means compulsively early and lightening fast) and began scheduling phone meetings for less than 48 hours post-surgery, i.e. TODAY.
How’s that working out for me? Well, score 1 for the doctor, 0 for the coach.
Last night, amidst the joy of receiving fruit baskets, Godiva chocolates and a bag of prunes from a great friend who, shall we say, knew too well what was to come, I started cancelling my appointments. My throat was still scratchy from the breathing tube, my stomach muscles hurt too much to talk, and since many of my clients are deliciously funny, I knew that a single bout of agonizing laughter could send me back to the hospital. The immediate problem is that I didn’t give myself the time I needed to recover – despite being told by a professional who knew her stuff. The bigger problem is that I missed a fundamental strategic step in coaching that I use with my clients – and ignored with myself: Anticipating Roadblocks.
It’s all well and good to know what you want, and to develop a plan for getting there. I wanted to get back to work and figured that by booking my clients, I would have to will myself to recover faster than I might otherwise. But I forgot to ask myself the question that I would have asked any client: “what could get in the way?” For me, it was that I wouldn’t feel better in time for my appointments, and the consequence is that I have to do what I wish I didn’t have to: cancel my meetings. It would have been better to have given myself the whole week (yes, Dr. Kastner, I know — or TWO whole weeks) to renew, recharge and recover, and start fresh rather than making up for missed meetings.
So enough about me (but fruit baskets, chocolate and prunes are still welcome!): Think about a plan or process you’re getting ready to embark on. What roadblocks could get in your way? And how can you reengineer your plan to get around them, through them, over them, avoid them, or even use them to your advantage?
Keep me posted – I’m not going anywhere for a while!
To your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
https://www.myjewishcoach.com/
https://myjewishcoach.com/
One Step Forward, One Step Back
When I told my kids last night that bedtime would be at 7:45 p.m. instead of 8, I received two very different reactions. Sophie, exhausted from a weekend of sleepover dates, barely nodded as she trudged up to her bunk bed. Jacob, similarly wiped out, had enough energy left to do battle. When he started to huff, stomp and get teary, I reminded him that all of these behaviors were a signs of a tired kid. With an audible “harumph!” (which I never believed was a real expression until I heard him say it), he plopped himself on his bed with his arms crossed. Michael and I went downstairs, expecting….something.
We were surprised when Jacob came downstairs twenty minutes later and handed me a note. In the note, he wrote, “I don’t want to be treated like a baby. I want to pick out my own clothes. I want a new bedtime. And I want a cell phone.” At the bottom of the note, he drew a skull and cross-bones to let us knew that he meant business, and that we were putting our very lives at risk by not taking him seriously.
Here’s what worked in Jacob’s approach:
- Taking time to cool off
- Putting his thoughts into writing rather than crying, yelling or stomping
- Making “I” statements (e.g. “I want…” rather than “You need to…”)
Here’s what didn’t:
- Laundry-bagging (listing multiple concerns at once, rather than the most timely and relevant one)
- Red herrings (that cell phone is NOT GONNA HAPPEN and he knew that!)
- Threats (his pirate scare tactics won’t work on land or at sea)
So the next time you’re steaming mad, what will you do to make sure your message is relevant AND respectful?
To your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
Dancing in the Moment
Today in Spinnning Class, I was flagging. I hurt in some unmentionable parts, I had run out of water ten sips ago, and I was fantasizing about work. Yes, work. With five minutes left, I was basically “phoning it in” with my legs and my mind. It was at that moment that our Spinning Instructor, Susan, saw that I was in need, got down off her own bike and danced a jitterbug right in front of me. She shamelessly shook her hips until she shook me right out of my complacency – and I began to recommit to the end of the ride.
Just what I needed when I needed it – a hearty dose of energy, enthusiasm, and encouragement.
While my dancing is worse than my spinning, I realized in that moment that what Sue did for me, I do for my coaching clients. Whether they need a jitterbug to get them excited and moving, a two-step to get them on a strategic plan, or a square dance to help them bring in necessary partners, I dance in the moment with each and every client.
What kind of dance do you need to get moving?
To your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
Get out the Guilt!
There was the guilt for leaving on a business trip to a warm climate while my family freezes back in New York. Then there was the guilt for missing Sophie’s swim meet and Jacob’s basketball game, and for leaving my husband Michael to spend the weekend driving from end to end of Nassau County between the two. But stepping on and breaking Michael’s toe 24 hours before bailing on everyone? Now THAT’S GUILT!!! (Sorry honey!).
As my guilty stew continued to boil, I began to think of all the OTHER things that I feel guilty about. I simply do not have enough time, energy or finger-power to type them all here – BUT one thing that did pop up for me was that I felt guilty for letting my blog lie fallow – for more than a year.
Now THIS I can do something about! So here I am – hineni.
Let’s get some coaching around guilt, shall we? (And trust me, I need it, too).
What does feeling guilty get you?
What does feeling guilty cost you?
Whose voice – other than your own – do you hear in the guilt? What strikes you about that?
When the guilty voice pops up, what could you say directly to it?
When will you tell it to pipe down?
What’s ONE thing you can get off your guilt list TODAY – by deciding to take care of it, skip it, or something else?
So here’s mine: I feel good that I’m blogging today. I may not blog again until 2011. And I’m cool with that.
Let me know about yours!
To Your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
Whose Brain Are You Using?
Last Friday, the kids and I went to a kindergarten graduation party (my kids were the “elderstatesmen” as first graders!). In addition to sno-cones, face-painting and goldfish give-aways (thanks a lot!!!), the kids had the opportunity to guess how many pieces of gum were in the Double Bubble container from Costco. Jacob guessed 200, and Sophie asked me to guess for her, so I said 150.
Well, lo and behold, Jacob won the entire tub, which had 250 pieces! Since we had come to the party on bikes, I had to strap the tub to the back of my bike with bungee cords. On our ride home, Sophie was bemoaning her rare loss of a contest. And while she didn’t blame me (exactly), she did proclaim: “I should have used my own brain!”
In coaching, I often ask my clients whose voices they hear when thinking about what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do. Many times, it’s the voice of a parent, a supervisor, a friend, a spouse, etc. — rather than their own — which makes the decision about how to progress a noisy one. We work to clear out the clutter of other people’s voices so that the client can hear their own thinking, loud and clear,
So in honor of Sophie, I ask you to think about this when facing your next set of “shoulds”: Whose brain are you using?
Deborah Grayson Riegel
www.myjewishcoach.com
My Jewish Coach Goes in Search of the Holy Grail in North Carolina
Last week, my Aunt Laurie moved to temperate North Carolina from frigid, frostbitten Minnesota. Tomorrow, I head down south to help her unpack, set-up and explore her new surroundings. In explaining to my kids, 7 year old twins Jacob and Sophie, where I was headed and why (as a frequent business traveler, I have mastered a 10-second “pitch” explaining the why, where and how long of each sojourn), I tried to engage them in my mission.
“So,” I asked, “what kinds of places would you like me to find near Aunt Laurie’s house for when YOU get to come visit?” Like the lawyer I am not (but my father-in-law secretly hopes I will become), I asked the question knowing the answer already. I sat back, waiting for the inevitable list: toy store, candy store, ice cream store…
And this is why I am not a lawyer — because I never saw this coming.
Sophie replied: “Bathrooms.”
Bathrooms? Not an amusement park, zoo or go-kart track?
No – BATHROOMS.
Basic needs. What fun would everything else be if you don’t have a bathroom?
It reminded me about how important it is to take a step back and distinguish between needs and wants. So ask yourself:
What are three things you really need — in your career, in your relationships, for your health?
What are three things you really want — in your career, in your relationships, for your health?
Not sure? Use my FREE TOOL to find out.
Oh, and be warned: it doesn’t ask about bathrooms.
Deb
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
www.jewishorganizations.blogspot.com
Make Your Resolutions “Green Light” Goals
Whether you want to lose weight (again), end a relationship (find a keeper this time!) or get out of debt (more gelt with less guilt?) — your first step is identifying a goal that makes you want to GO towards something.
What? Isn’t that obvious?
Not really. Think about the differences in these goals:
Lose 15 lbs. vs. Feel confident and attractive on the beach next summer
Get out of debt vs. Gain enough financial freedom to buy an apartment or house
Stop working in a dead-end job vs. Find a job that fulfills my professional passions
See the difference? Green Light Goals give you a clearer picture of where you want to go by creating a compelling, appealing positive vision of a future state.
It works — and I’m not alone in prescribing this. In his book, “Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and in Life”, Alan Deutschman shares decades of scientific evidence that shows that positively reframing life’s challenges can put us in the driver’s seat on a faster track towards goal achievement.
So here’s some coaching homework:
- Write down 3 goals you have for the New Year
- Re-write them so that they make you say “Yes! I want to do that!” That’s how you know you have a Green Light Goal
- Brainstorm the Red Light actions — or inactions — you associate with the Green Light goals (such as “Stop drinking at happy hour” as part of “Feel more attractive at the beach”)
- Replace those Red Lights actions with new Green Lights (like “Have a wine spritzer or seltzer” instead of “Stop drinking”)
- Post those Green Light goals and actions someplace where you can see them every day. As Confucius said, “The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory.”
If you need support, try this with a friend, family member, therapist or coach.
And post it here!
