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    communication skills

    What Makes a True Partnership?

    Partnerships between staff and volunteers have the potential to be powerful, productive, and prosperous. And, we also know that they can be taxing, tiring, and totally not worth the effort. What makes a real partnership?

    A real partnership is one in which both parties bring something to table, share in the work, and make a tangible contribution to the outcome. Partnerships do not have to be 50/50 in order to be productive. There are many ways to divide and conquer the work. But, ultimately, both parties need to understand their roles, know the rules of engagement, and share the same vision for success.

    Think of a project in which you partnered with someone else and it didn’t go as well as you would have liked. Whether the project failed or it was successful, but simply wasn’t an easy road to get there, chances are more than likely that one of the following vital steps was overlooked or shortchanged. Here are the three important topics to discuss and address with any potential partner before solidifying the working relationship.

    1. Clear Roles
    • What are our primary responsibilities as a team and as individuals?
    • What special skills and talents do each of us bring to the table?
    1. Rules of Engagement
    • What is the most effective way for us to communicate?
    • How often will we check in and share progress?
    • How will we handle it if our agreements aren’t met?
    1. Vision for Success
    • What is our vision for success?
    • How will we measure success?
    • When and how will we evaluate and learn from our successes and challenges?
    • How and with whom will we share our learnings and successes?

    Next time you launch a partnership, take the time to discuss and come to agreement around each of these three vital issues as part of your preparation. By addressing these, you and your partner are setting yourselves up for a successful partnership.

    Four Boundaries You Need to Set to Get Anything Accomplished

    During a year-end coaching call, I was thrilled to celebrate one particular client’s 2015 victories: a long-awaited promotion, carving out more quality time on weekends to spend with his family, and a new exercise habit.

    “Mazel tov!” I said to my client.

    “And how do you think you did on your goal of making time for planning in your new role?”

    He replied: “Yeah…that one didn’t happen.”

    “Any chance,” I offered with a smile, “you mean that you didn’t do what it takes to make it happen?”

    He smiled back, somewhat sheepishly. “Yes. I guess I mean that.”

    “And what do you want for 2016?” I asked.

    “To do what it takes rather than waiting for it to happen.” He responded.

    And so we began…

    boundariesOf course, as we all know, doing what it takes to set aside time for something that feels important (rather than urgent) is easier said than done. Somehow, I can always find the time to read the new Entertainment Weekly and binge-watch “Making a Murderer” and yet, finding the time I need to write my new book or get my office organized seems not to “happen”. Why? Because “hoping it will happen” won’t get it done. Making the time to do it AND setting four types of boundaries to honor that time will.

    In her research paper, “Positive Psychology and Work-Life Integration: The Mutually Satisfying Relationship”, The University of Pennsylvania’s Katharine E. Comtois suggests that we need to set the following boundaries in our work and lives in order to focus on what matters most:

    1. Temporal – Being clear about what you will do and won’t do, and when.
    2. Physical – Setting a specific place and space for certain tasks and activities.
    3. Behavioral – Acting consistently in ways that are designed to get you what you want.
    4. Communicative – Letting people know your priorities and expectations, and sharing how they can help or might hinder the process.

    In January 2015, I decided that I was no longer going to travel more than 25% of the time, which would effectively cut my travel schedule in half. It was something that I wanted, but wasn’t “happening”. Of course it wasn’t happening – I hadn’t set any boundaries to support it. With that aha! top of mind, here are the boundaries that I created:

    1. Temporal – I will be from home no more than 7 nights a month, period.
    2. Physical – Any activity that I could do virtually rather than in-person, I did (like webinars for teams and organizations when on-site facilitation wasn’t needed).
    3. Behavioral – I actively sought out work opportunities that kept me sleeping in my own bed, which lead to a great teaching gig at Wharton Business School.
    4. Communicative – I told my clients, “I’ve used up all of my business travel for March and April, but I can travel to you in May. Would that work for you?” (And if it didn’t, I was happy to refer someone else!)

    I couldn’t be prouder of how the boundaries I set – and continue to honor. I also found that setting these boundaries felt scary (what will happen to my business? Who will I be disappointing?) and living by them feels exceptionally safe and satisfying.

    Here are some questions to help you strategize how you can use boundaries to stay focused on shifting what you “hope” will happen to actually and practically making it happen:

    • How can you leverage other people to support you in honoring your boundaries?
    • What technology can you rely on to help you set and keep boundaries?
    • What decisions do you need to make that honor your values? (These can include decisions about what to do and what to stop doing).
    • What habits can you implement that make honoring your boundaries automatic?
    • Where can you create a physical boundary to separate the different roles you have?
    • How can you use tangible items (like different phones or email addresses) to separate your work, life, self and community domains?
    • What do you need to communicate to your stakeholders to establish boundary expectations?
    • What can you plan (like a massage or vacation) so that you can take a short-term break from managing boundaries?
    • Where will you allow for “fuzzy” boundaries?
    • How will you handle boundary violations when they occur (because they will)?

    Feel free to share any responses with me at headcoach@myjewishcoach.com. I’d love to hear them!

    Are you committed to make Work-Life Integration a priority for 2016? Get a head start by downloading our insightful, informative and inspirational one-hour webinar here.

    Good Grief! Do you Delegate like Lucy or Charlie Brown?

    Deb_Lucy - Good GriefI must admit that, while most of my work is cool, last week provided me with an opportunity that was cooler than cool: I was invited to facilitate a delegation workshop at 20th Century Fox’s animation studios, with the teams that are making the new Peanuts movie (in theatres November 6th, by the way). Between the production teams, and the story teams, and the animation teams, and the talent teams – they’ve got a lot to do and not a lot of time left to do it.

    Good grief!

    So how will they get it all done? By delegating. Which is, of course, easier said than done.

    Most of us are well aware of the benefits of delegating, which include lightening your workload, developing your staff, providing opportunities for collaboration, offering your team members a sense of ownership and empowerment, giving you an emergency back-up, retaining talent, as well as growing and challenging yourself (both to take on new tasks and to learn how to “let it go”). And yet, despite the myriad benefits, many managers don’t delegate well – but when they do, their style is either too Lucy” or “too Charlie Brown. (tweet this)

    What’s your delegation style?

    You may be a Lucy if:

    • You joke about being a “control freak” (but you know it’s not a joke).
    • Everything feels urgent to you.
    • You are addicted to adrenaline.
    • You need to be in charge.
    • You tell people not just what to do but how to do it, and don’t welcome others’ input and approaches.
    • You’re deeply concerned about credit and blame.
    • Your style is command and control.

    You may be a Charlie Brown if:

    • You find yourself mired in minutiae.
    • Most of your tasks feel comfortable to you.
    • You hoard work.
    • You realize someone else could do it but so could you.
    • You worry about being seen as dispensable.
    • You don’t want to overload your team.
    • You want to protect your staff from stress or failure.
    • You’re worried about messing things up.
    • Your style is just to do it yourself.

    You may be either a Lucy OR a Charlie Brown if thinking about delegating gives you hives, sweats or stomach pains (or makes you want to cling to Linus’ blanket.) Either way, delegation is a critical competency for anyone who has too much to do and not enough time to do it (tweet this), for anyone who is charged with developing and empowering others (tweet this), and for anyone who realizes that in order to move up in the organization, they need to make sure that their current work can be done by others so that they’re not stuck doing this (whatever your “this” is) for the rest of your career (tweet this).

    If you’re a Lucy, it’s time to show your team that you believe in their talents, that you can be flexible, and that you’re as committed to their development and growth as you are to getting it right. If you’re a Charlie Brown, it’s time to show your team that you value and trust them, that you’re resilient in the face of setbacks, and that you’re ready for all of you to play a bigger game – even if you need to hold on to your security blanket for a while longer.

    If you or anyone on your team is wrestling with delegation, you can instantly download our online 60 minute course “Delegate without Drama” and learn the eight steps to help you start giving up a little bit of control and gaining a few more hours each week without giving up your commitment to quality

    The Surprising Contribution That You’re Already Making

    If you work or volunteer for a non-profit organization, chances are, you get excited when people make contributions. Contributions of time and talent mean that the work gets done. Contributions of ideas mean that new perspectives and opportunities emerge. And contributions of money mean that your mission and vision can be realized.

    And where else should you be looking for contributions? Wherever you hear the words fault and blame.

    Those two words, fault and blame, immediately put people immediately on the defensive, create divisiveness in teams, and make people feel untrusted and untrusting. Cut them out and replace them with the word contribution. When you ask people to think about what contributed to a problem, as well as how they themselves might have contributed to the problem, and who else (including, perhaps, you) had a contribution to this problem, it lowers the heat of the conversation and reminds people that challenging situations are complex, with many players. In fact, I ask my coaching clients to practice the habit of naming their own contribution first when speaking with their team or direct reports, which makes people feel more comfortable admitting their own contributions.

    Contributions can range from communicating unclear expectations, setting unreasonable timelines, micromanaging (or under-leading), a lack of follow-up or follow-through, allowing scope-creep, a missed opportunity to offer feedback, ignoring the warning signs, or a failure to speak up or speak out.  Contributions can be big or small – and yet, every contribution matters. (Sound familiar?)

    The next time a difficult conversation or situation arises, ask yourself, “what was the other person’s contribution to this?” AND ask yourself, “what was mine?”

    Fault and blame make people want to stop contributing time, talent, ideas and money. Contribution begets contributions.

    So what’s yours?

    Making a Bar Mitzvah with Less Stress: The 5 Secrets of Savvy Delegators

    March 16th is my twins’ b’nai mitzvah. That’s 4 days away. And as you know, regardless of whether the big day is a ceremony followed by a buffet brunch (like ours) or a booming blow-out that rivals the Vanity Fair Oscars party, there are a million things that need to get done in advance of it. So when I delegated to my son Jacob the design of the photo montage, which traditionally shows as many friends and family members as you’ve ever taken a picture of, matched with a sentimental and upbeat soundtrack, I was thrilled that he agreed to take it on. Until….

    Until I realized that he thought pictures of his twin sister crying or in diapers should be well represented. Until I realized that his tolerance for low-resolution images was much higher than mine. And until I realized that his choice of music was, shall we say, more explicit than mine. I was about to take back the whole project when I remembered one of my own Secrets of Savvy Delegators: “Clarify expectations up front, plan for check-ins, then get out of the way”. In other words, rather than panicking that he wouldn’t do it the way I would do it (which he wouldn’t), I sat him down for an expectations conversation, where we covered a few ground rules: 1) No pictures that embarrass anyone; 2) if you can see pixilation in the photo, shrink it or skip it; and 3) no music with lyrics that would make a grandparent blush. With that start-up information shared, and a schedule of frequent check-ins planned, I put the montage out of my mind so that I could focus my mind on everything else I couldn’t delegate.

    Here are four other secrets of savvy delegators:

    1. Delegate to the right person when the stakes are high. While many folks are more focused on the “bar”, we are more focused on the “mitzvah”. So while the party playlist might not be perfect or the decorations may not be sophisticated, getting the service as right as we could in terms of both accuracy and intimacy was critical for us. What this means is that we delegated the design of the service and the preparation of our children to one of our closest, most trusted friends – who also happens to be a rabbi. Anyone can be in charge of the balloons, but not anyone could be in charge of helping our kids’ embrace this day as a milestone, and helping us have the event feel special and sacred.
    2. Distinguish between responsibility and accountability when delegating. Even as much as we trust our rabbi and friend to deliver on his responsibilities, we are still accountable for making sure that the kids do their preparation. We are still accountable for making sure that the service is inclusive. And we are certainly accountable for making sure that our children’s interest in and commitment to leading a life of good deeds and loving behavior towards others and a belief in something lasts beyond 13 years old. None of those things can be delegated.
    3. Stop seeking positive reinforcement for being overwhelmed. “Deb, how are you guys DOING with everything going on?” has been the topic of most chats with my friends and family over the last few months. And while I appreciate the recognition that this is a crazy time for us, I am actively avoiding the desire to seem busier than I actually am. Yes, it is very tempting to play the burdened victim here, and hope that people would send me certificates for Massage Envy and some take-out dinners, but that’s not the truth, nor is it the message I want to send. Yes, it is a lot to do. But my husband has taken on a huge number of tasks, and our kids are carrying their weight. So I am very clear in letting people know that it is major AND manageable. And that I am important but not indispensable.
    4. Don’t give away all the fun stuff. Delegation is supposed to make your life and work easier, not harder. It kept my motivation up throughout the boring parts (like planning the seating arrangements – a task I couldn’t delegate but one that aged me by several years) to know that I got to pick the menu because I really, truly care about the food. Nobody was taking that off my plate, so to speak. So there will be bagels and lox and baked ziti and macaroni and cheese and rainbow cookies and…and….yum. How do you know that there’s something you should keep for yourself? When someone says to you, “I can do that for you,” and you think to yourself, “Nope – that’s mine.” Which is probably what I’ll say about anyone who tries to touch my rainbow cookie!

    So whether you are planning next quarter’s business activities, your company’s annual staff retreat or a major family milestone, use the Secrets of Savvy Delegators to make your next project feel doable rather than dramatic.

    Want to learn more savvy delegation secrets to help you manage your team, your work and your life? Join me for a one hour Virtual Presentation, “Delegate without Drama” this month, and 10 other topics throughout the year! Register here: www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar.html

     

    New languages offer a new way of being

    –>

    “There’s this boy who recently moved to the United States from Latin America and he’s facing some challenges. I would like for you to meet his parents and offer some help”,  a good friend and preschool teacher told me the other day.
     “Tell me more…give me an example”, I replied. 
    “Well, we were speaking about bedtime and when I asked about his, he didn’t respond”, she told me concerned. I tried to explain to her why this boy might not know the significance of “bedtime”.
    “You see, in many Latin American countries, there is no such thing as a “bedtime” or “story time” or even “time out”. The boy might not really know what you are asking him, because he might just go to bed when he is tired, or whenever his parents believe the time is right”. I looked at her with a big smile, as I reflected on all the cultural differences I had to face when my family and I moved to the U.S. 15 years ago and learn a new language. Still, after 15 long years, cultural shocks are part of my daily routine. 
    Some of the things I had to adapt to were in many cases unexpected, and with them came new words which brought new meanings and overall, a new me. Here are just a few: 
              Being invited to supper at 5:00 p.m. Dinner is supposed to be at 9:00 p.m. or later…anything earlier is a “merienda” (snack time); or the word supper itself. I hadn’t heard the meaning to that word until moving to the U.S.
              Story time, time out, or bedtime… what do these things even mean? we didn’t have them in our family over there.
              Being told the time a party starts and the time a party ends. In the world I come from, that’s considered rude. Parties last until people feel like leaving…No set beginnings and no set endings. Just go with the flow
              Waving or nodding politely instead of kissing someone on the cheek when you greet them. In that world it is extremely rude, but in the U.S., it’s courteous! 
              Walking into a room and not being able to just interrupt any conversation with a hug, but waiting until I’m being noticed…
              Requesting from people not to bring birthday gifts and instead make a donation. I love giving and receiving  birthday gifts, why can’t I bring something?
              Teachers are not encouraged to hug their young students with passion or sometimes even sit them on their laps, while in my world that was a way of showing affection and expected from a teacher.
              Not opening gifts as soon as you get them on your birthday or opening all the gifts in front of everyone –  I was taught not to do any of those! you open the gift as soon as you get it in front of the person who gave it to you.
              Sending thank you notes – never!  Instead, giving a hug and thanking someone on the spot.
              Youth soccer leagues make everyone a winner no matter what the final score is. How are kids supposed to learn how to compete, if everyone always wins? 
              Not having your doctor available whenever you need them. Where I come from, the doctor can regularly come to your home! 
              Brunch on Sundays.
              … And the list can go on forever. My personal list grows as I learn of new things everyday. 
    So far, I’ve lived in seven different countries and I made each one my home.  My world is always expanding as I discover new words, those words are new customs and traditions. I’m still trying to invite my American friends to “pasear” with me which is common for me, but I can’t find the exact word in English, as people here don’t “pasear” (walk around for the pure sake of walking, visiting places just to visit.) While this is true in Spanish, English has no such thing. Instead, I must use a long sentence to express my desire to go on a walk and visit places just to visit. Likewise, I can’t find a Spanish translation for the words “accountability” or “fund-raising” unless, once again, I use a lengthy descriptive sentence. 
    Words and languages create cultures, and as you learn a new language, you unleash a new “way of being.” Often I see people who are multilingual showing different personalities depending the language they are speaking at the moment, as if each language carries a different personality  with it.
    While at the beginning I had no clue what a bedtime was, I have learned to incorporate it into my own life and even used it with my children sometimes. I’ve also learned how to eat dinner earlier and attend and even host Sunday brunches from time to time. There are things, however, that my American friends have learned not to expect from me, among them waiting to open my gifts or sending them a thank you note. On these occasions, my Israeli and Latin spontaneity are emphasized more than ever. 
    Bottom line:it’s crucial to understand where the other person is coming from in order to make sure we are really communicating. The words we speak reflect the realities we are parts of and each reality provides different meanings. “What time do you go to bed in general?” is a universal question, everyone sleeps. “What time is your bed-time” is cultural, not everyone goes to sleep at a pre-determined time. It’s something worth thinking about in order to cross boundaries when we talk to someone who comes from a different country or background.
    Learn a new language and your world is guaranteed to become boundless, as mine has become over the years. New words with new meanings become new habits, and that’s how you adapt and make every place home. It is like going to a new restaurant and trying a new dish. It’s a new flavour that you have discovered and has now become a new option you never knew before.

    One Step Forward, One Step Back

    When I told my kids last night that bedtime would be at 7:45 p.m. instead of 8, I received two very different reactions. Sophie, exhausted from a weekend of sleepover dates, barely nodded as she trudged up to her bunk bed. Jacob, similarly wiped out, had enough energy left to do battle. When he started to huff, stomp and get teary, I reminded him that all of these behaviors were a signs of a tired kid. With an audible “harumph!” (which I never believed was a real expression until I heard him say it), he plopped himself on his bed with his arms crossed. Michael and I went downstairs, expecting….something.

    We were surprised when Jacob came downstairs twenty minutes later and handed me a note. In the note, he wrote, “I don’t want to be treated like a baby. I want to pick out my own clothes. I want a new bedtime. And I want a cell phone.” At the bottom of the note, he drew a skull and cross-bones to let us knew that he meant business, and that we were putting our very lives at risk by not taking him seriously.

    Here’s what worked in Jacob’s approach:

    • Taking time to cool off
    • Putting his thoughts into writing rather than crying, yelling or stomping
    • Making “I” statements (e.g. “I want…” rather than “You need to…”)

    Here’s what didn’t:

    • Laundry-bagging (listing multiple concerns at once, rather than the most timely and relevant one)
    • Red herrings (that cell phone is NOT GONNA HAPPEN and he knew that!)
    • Threats (his pirate scare tactics won’t work on land or at sea)

    So the next time you’re steaming mad, what will you do to make sure your message is relevant AND respectful?

    To your Success without the Tsuris,
    Deborah
    www.myjewishcoach.com
    www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

    Seriously…What’s ONE Jacob worth???

    The kids and I were driving to nursery school on a rainy fall day, when we stopped at a red light. The car behind us, unfortunately, did not. Our minivan shuddered with the impact, and, after catching my breath, I immediately turned around to make sure that my then 4 year old twins, Jacob and Sophie, were ok. Both looked stunned but reported that they were unharmed, and so I stepped out of the van to check for damage, which included a banged-up rear bumper and that was about it. The other driver apologized profusely, gave me her insurance information, and the kids and I kept heading towards school.

    Now, if a car accident isn’t a teachable moment, I don’t know what is, so I took advantage of it.

    “Is everyone ok?” I asked again.

    “Yes, Mommy,” they replied.

    Then Jacob asked, “Mommy, is the car ok?”

    “Well,” I continued, “the car did get a little banged up, but the most important thing is that we didn’t get banged up!”

    “How come?” asked Sophie.

    “Think of it this way, Sophie. Which would be easier to replace – our car or our Sophie and Jacob?”

    “We-ell,” Sophie philosophized, “we do know a lot of Jacobs. There’s Jacob Bernstein, and Jacob Schachter and Jacob Pomper…”

    Not quite the lesson I was looking to teach, but it was a logical answer.

    Here’s what I realized in this exchange with Sophie that has changed that way that I communicate with clients, friends and family.

    • Don’t try to teach lessons leading with emotional examples for fundamentally logic-driven people.
    • When you need to be very direct and clear with your message (i.e. “our physical safety is more important than our property.”), don’t make someone guess it.

    And perhaps most importantly…

    • Don’t overestimate personal loyalties (especially in — but not exclusively among — 4 year old twins!)

     

    Deborah

    www.myjewishcoach.com

     

     

    Testimonials

    “Deb has been a respected speaker and facilitator for a number of our JCC conferences over the past few years. While I've heard about her energy, hard work in preparing, and meaningful content, it took her recent keynote speech at our annual JCCs of North America Professional Conference to make me realize what an incredible asset she is. Watching her present a content-filled, energetic, and personalized session -- without using any notes -- was very impressive. Deb is a multi-talented, serious, and impactful presenter."

    – Allan Finkelstein, Past President and CEO, JCC Association of North America

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