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    distractions

    38 Ways to Say No (and Still Preserve the Relationship)

    1. I’m not available then, but could be available on (insert date)no buttonWould that date work?

    2. Oh, I will be so disappointed to miss this!

    3. While I would love to do that for you, [insert type of priorities] preclude it. I hope you understand.

    4. I am so flattered that you asked but unfortunately cannot do that. Can I help you brainstorm someone who might be available?

    5. Normally, I would say yes, but I have already committed to ________ at the same time.

    6. Right now, I am saying no to all invitations (on this topic, at this timeframe, etc.).

    7. I need to decline, but warmly request that you keep me in mind for future meetings/events. Would you please reach out again?

    8. I try very hard not to make commitments I will likely need to cancel, and because of the timing here, I would likely need to cancel at the last minute, leaving you in a last-minute scramble to find someone else. Because of that, I will need to say no.

    9. That sounds like a fantastic event/opportunity/cause, and I know that I will be sorry to miss it.

    10. I cannot attend in person, but I wonder how I can help in some other way. Should we brainstorm ideas?

    11. I don’t feel that this is the right fit for me. Can I share with you the kinds of project or priorities that DO feel like a good fit for you to know for down the road?

    12. I am so grateful for the opportunity and for you thinking of me. However, I am in demand at the moment with appointments made months ago. I can also recommend x and y and z, who would be great

    13. I can’t, but let me take a look at who might be available to fill in for me.

    14. My schedule is completely booked for the next {insert timeframe}. Would you please reach back out after then?

    15. I am so sorry to decline but I have a prior engagement. Here’s what I’d like to do, though: let me put a note in our files indicating that I needed to turn this request down so that next time, I can move your request to the front of the line.

    16. Right now, I am only accepting requests related to X priority. Since this request seems to be about Y priority, let me put you in touch with someone who handles Y.

    17. I have reached my [weekly/monthly/quarterly/annual] quota for [speaking engagements, consulting, meetings, panels, rallies, etc.]. Things should open up again by [insert month]. Please reach back out to me then.

    18. I hate to admit this but I have already said yes to two events that day, and will need to cancel at least one of those. I don’t want to cancel two.

    19. I have recently had some unexpected events come up and so I won’t be scheduling anything new at this time.

    20. I will be out of town.

    21. I don’t do X, as a rule.

    22. I’m good at X, but not great at it. Let me suggest some people who are great at it.

    23. It sounds like our budgets aren’t in the same ballpark. If you have flexibility, terrific. And if not, I completely understand and know that you’ll find someone great within your price-range.

    24. I will need more information to make a decision. Can you please send me….?

    25. I adore the cause, but simply can’t commit right now/I need to decline.

    26. I don’t know and I don’t want to hold you up so feel free to ask someone else.

    27. You’re so kind to think of me. Thank you. Sadly, I need to decline.

    28. Not this time. When’s the next opportunity available for something like this?

    29. If only I had a clone then I could be in two places at once!

    30. I am heads-down on a project right now, and won’t be coming up for air for the next [insert timeframe].

    31. When do you need to know by? I ask because if it’s in the next {week/month/quarter], I will need to say no.

    32. Right now, I am only saying yes to very select opportunities that fall into [insert area of focus], and unfortunately this doesn’t meet the criteria.

    33. I’m not available for that, but I know someone who is working on a common agenda/goal/objective. Let me connect you!

    34. Others have made similar requests, and I have said no to all of those.

    35. X is my top priority right now, so I am devoting all of my time to that.

    36. With x # of this type of request coming in every month, I have had to limit the number of acceptances in order to make time for other business. I am at my limit.

    37. I have committed to my clients that X would be my leading priority this year. For that reason, I will need to say no to this invitation in order to make good on my commitment.

    38. Thank you so much, but no.
    …and just for fun…

    10 Things NOT to Say

    1. You’re joking, right?

    2. I have commitment issues.

    3. This request is below my pay grade.

    4. I wish I had the luxury of entertaining such a whimsical request.

    5. What do I have to say to get you to understand that NO means NO?

    6. I no longer commit to causes that make me feel like a hypocrite.

    7. As if!

    8. Sure, at half-past never.

    9. Yuck!

    10. N to the O.

    You Have My Complete Attention

    attentionOne of my favorite rituals when my twins were babies was to give them their nightly bath. I loved the one-on-one (-on-one) time with them, playing and splashing and just being together. Over time, they advanced from baths to showers, and from needing my help to wanting complete privacy, thank you very much!

    But one bath-time ritual that my daughter Sophie didn’t seem to outgrow during her tween years was keeping me company in the bathroom when I took a shower. Each evening after work, I would hop in the shower and pull the curtain closed, and then hear Sophie sneak into the bathroom, close the lid of the toilet, sit down and say, “So let’s talk.”

    I was torn: I missed the privacy of being alone with my thoughts and my loofah, and I also appreciated the opportunity to have some deep conversations with my growing girl. But one day, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,

    “Sophie, why do you always want to talk to me when I’m in the shower?”

    Her answer caught me with my pants down:

    “Because it’s the only time I know you won’t check your phone while you’re talking to me. It’s the only time I have your complete attention.”

    There was no shower long enough or hot enough to wash off the sting of that pointed and painful observation.

    Ever since then, I’ve started:

    Paying a lot more attention to paying attention!

    I realized that I did it consistently with my clients (who pay for my complete attention), but I didn’t do it consistently for my family, who are, in fact, the reason that I even have clients. And it’s still hard – every day. There are a million things competing for my attention, between emails, calls, dinner, errands, the expected and the unexpected interruptions. But I am well aware that because of how hard it is to give someone your complete attention these days, it is a more precious gift to give and to receive than ever before.

    In a recent New York Times article, “Stop Googling. Let’s Talk.” the author cites that the costs of dividing your attention with people you care about include empathy, connection, and trust. And while technology is surely a factor in what makes this challenging, what is also a factor is our willingness to settle for less than someone’s complete and undivided attention. We need to learn to ask for what we need from others in our personal and workplace relationships to feel heard, connected and respected and we need to stop making excuses for ourselves for why it’s ok to not be fully present for another human being with real and immediate needs and challenges.

    In the 7th and 8th cohorts of the Jewish Coaching Academy that I facilitated last week (email me for 2016 dates), we discussed 10 behaviors that let someone know that you were committed to being fully present for them. They include:

    • Close the door.
    • Turn off all electronic distractions.
    • Put your cell phone completely outside of your line of vision.
    • Let other people know that you’re going to be occupied, and for how long.
    • Put a “Do Not Disturb” sign up and honor it.
    • Create a time buffer before your conversation so you can clear your head from your previous work or interaction.
    • Make a list of what you need to do after this conversation so that you can be fully present now.
    • Notice when distracting thoughts come into your head, and then send them away without judgment.
    • Let the other person know if something is interfering with your ability to be fully present, and then do your best anyway.
    • Tell the other person “You have my complete attention”.

    How do I know these work? Because I use them with my clients, my friends and my family and they thank me for not just being there for them, but for really, fully being there for them. And I also know these work because I now, blissfully, shower alone.

    The Blessing of Your Blind Spot

    Why always focusing on the big picture is short-sighted.
    During a recent surgery (thank you, I’m fine), as I sat in the pre-op waiting room in a backside-baring gown, I realized that the fellow in the next cubicle kept looking at me. I admit that, on a typical day, my ego might have gotten a boost. But on this day, with no make-up, no sleep and no food, I was frustrated rather than flattered. I couldn’t reach my curtain to close it. I couldn’t find a nurse within earshot. There was only one thing I could do – I took off my glasses. As soon as I couldn’t see my nosy neighbor, I didn’t care who or what he was looking at.

    Less sight, less tsuris.


    U.S. Olympic bobsled pilot Steven Holcomb had been piloting his four-man sled virtually blind due to an eye disease when he decided to have surgery to restore his vision. While the operation was successful, Holcomb found that his newly sharpened vision interfered with the instinctive driving style he had developed to compensate for his lost eyesight. So he scratched and dirtied his visor, deliberately obscuring his vision so that he could go back to driving by feel.

    His result? The Gold medal touch.

    The best yoga class I ever took was when one contact lens fell out on the way to the gym. Instead of my regular Zen-free practice of comparing everyone else’s upright Roman columns to my Leaning Tower of Pisa, I focused exclusively on enjoying my own experience.  

    Om.

    We all know that having a clear, concise and crisp vision is critical in our personal lives and for our organizations. In fact, I facilitate countless meetings that help teams and organizations clarify and articulate a shared vision. I begin my work with coaching clients by asking “what do you want?” to help them discover and crystallize their personal vision.

    But in order to focus on what we want, and what we need to do to get it done, we sometimes need to deliberately blur our vision from peripheral distractions. By actively choosing to ignore (for a moment or for a while) what the other guy is doing, who’s judging us, or how something looks rather than how it feels, we can better focus our time, energy, attention and actions.

    Click here to download 10 Questions to Help You Focus on What’s Most Important.

    To your Success without the Tsuris,

    Deborah
    www.myjewishcoach.com

     

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