Jewish
Making a Bar Mitzvah with Less Stress: The 5 Secrets of Savvy Delegators
March 16th is my twins’ b’nai mitzvah. That’s 4 days away. And as you know, regardless of whether the big day is a ceremony followed by a buffet brunch (like ours) or a booming blow-out that rivals the Vanity Fair Oscars party, there are a million things that need to get done in advance of it. So when I delegated to my son Jacob the design of the photo montage, which traditionally shows as many friends and family members as you’ve ever taken a picture of, matched with a sentimental and upbeat soundtrack, I was thrilled that he agreed to take it on. Until….
Until I realized that he thought pictures of his twin sister crying or in diapers should be well represented. Until I realized that his tolerance for low-resolution images was much higher than mine. And until I realized that his choice of music was, shall we say, more explicit than mine. I was about to take back the whole project when I remembered one of my own Secrets of Savvy Delegators: “Clarify expectations up front, plan for check-ins, then get out of the way”. In other words, rather than panicking that he wouldn’t do it the way I would do it (which he wouldn’t), I sat him down for an expectations conversation, where we covered a few ground rules: 1) No pictures that embarrass anyone; 2) if you can see pixilation in the photo, shrink it or skip it; and 3) no music with lyrics that would make a grandparent blush. With that start-up information shared, and a schedule of frequent check-ins planned, I put the montage out of my mind so that I could focus my mind on everything else I couldn’t delegate.
Here are four other secrets of savvy delegators:
- Delegate to the right person when the stakes are high. While many folks are more focused on the “bar”, we are more focused on the “mitzvah”. So while the party playlist might not be perfect or the decorations may not be sophisticated, getting the service as right as we could in terms of both accuracy and intimacy was critical for us. What this means is that we delegated the design of the service and the preparation of our children to one of our closest, most trusted friends – who also happens to be a rabbi. Anyone can be in charge of the balloons, but not anyone could be in charge of helping our kids’ embrace this day as a milestone, and helping us have the event feel special and sacred.
- Distinguish between responsibility and accountability when delegating. Even as much as we trust our rabbi and friend to deliver on his responsibilities, we are still accountable for making sure that the kids do their preparation. We are still accountable for making sure that the service is inclusive. And we are certainly accountable for making sure that our children’s interest in and commitment to leading a life of good deeds and loving behavior towards others and a belief in something lasts beyond 13 years old. None of those things can be delegated.
- Stop seeking positive reinforcement for being overwhelmed. “Deb, how are you guys DOING with everything going on?” has been the topic of most chats with my friends and family over the last few months. And while I appreciate the recognition that this is a crazy time for us, I am actively avoiding the desire to seem busier than I actually am. Yes, it is very tempting to play the burdened victim here, and hope that people would send me certificates for Massage Envy and some take-out dinners, but that’s not the truth, nor is it the message I want to send. Yes, it is a lot to do. But my husband has taken on a huge number of tasks, and our kids are carrying their weight. So I am very clear in letting people know that it is major AND manageable. And that I am important but not indispensable.
- Don’t give away all the fun stuff. Delegation is supposed to make your life and work easier, not harder. It kept my motivation up throughout the boring parts (like planning the seating arrangements – a task I couldn’t delegate but one that aged me by several years) to know that I got to pick the menu because I really, truly care about the food. Nobody was taking that off my plate, so to speak. So there will be bagels and lox and baked ziti and macaroni and cheese and rainbow cookies and…and….yum. How do you know that there’s something you should keep for yourself? When someone says to you, “I can do that for you,” and you think to yourself, “Nope – that’s mine.” Which is probably what I’ll say about anyone who tries to touch my rainbow cookie!
So whether you are planning next quarter’s business activities, your company’s annual staff retreat or a major family milestone, use the Secrets of Savvy Delegators to make your next project feel doable rather than dramatic.
Want to learn more savvy delegation secrets to help you manage your team, your work and your life? Join me for a one hour Virtual Presentation, “Delegate without Drama” this month, and 10 other topics throughout the year! Register here: www.myjewishcoach.com/webinar.html
#HanukahFAIL
Twas the 8th night of Hanukah and I looked at my menorah and realized something was missing from this holiday. I lit the menorah each night, check. I said all the prayers, check. I sent some gifts to my youngest family members, check. So what was missing? I was cooking dinner and I realized there was a lack of latkes this holiday season. Every year I complain about the amount of fat, oil, and yummy fried potatoes I eat but not one has crossed my lips this year. I wish I could say it’s because I’m on a diet and have lost a few pounds but no that holiday weight creep has already found me thanks to a brownie recipe I made from Pinterest. I had a moment of deja vu back to Erev Yom Kippur when I was sitting in synagogue thinking about what life was going to be like in the upcoming year with my new career. I was prepared for challenges but what came to my mind I wasn’t prepared for.
It dawned on me that my job as a non-profit Jewish professional afforded me a level of engagement in my religion that was easy and comfortable. Over the past 20 years, I never once thought about things like what will I do for Sukkot, Yom Ha’atzmaut, or Hanukah. My Jewish identity was wrapped up in my job. I was fully engaged in Jewish culture through activities, holiday observances and weekly kabbalat Shabbat at our JCC. I lived and worked in the Jewish world but only attended synagogue on occasion. I felt fully engaged and full from all the latkes!
As I sat there thinking, the Rabbi began his sermon. I was fully expecting the usual ask for money, political speech or why we need to be behind Israel sermon. It was not any of those things. To my surprise, he began speaking about engagement at the synagogue. My first thought was “Ok, this is weird!” My second thought led me to start thinking about “now what?” I no longer work at a JCC and will have to actually “work” at finding ways to be engaged in Jewish life. I realized this is actually what most Jews have to do and shouldn’t be that difficult. Right? Wrong!
There’s a lot competing for my time. Now that it’s not my job to be at the Havdallah Hayride or Chanukah Choopla, will I make the effort I wondered?
Rabbi Robinson said it beautifully. “You want to be here, you want to make a connection. You’re good at connecting with others—you have a circle of friends and loved ones, and have no trouble schmoozing in your given circle. But when you come here, you’re alone, and miserable. Not because someone treated you explicitly poorly, and not because you’re not committed to the idea of being a part of the synagogue—you’re here, after all. But there’s a lack of engagement, a lack of comfort, a lack of connection. So you come, you have some chitchat, and you leave disappointed rather than renewed.” It was like he was talking directly to me. So where do I belong? I’m an intermarried gay Jew with no children. If you have a group that fits that description, please call me, I’d love to hear from you! I’ve read a lot of the articles written about the Pew study and all I keep thinking is “I am the Pew Study results”. I’m intermarried and my Judaism is based more on culture than in religion. Since I have no children, I don’t need the synagogue for Hebrew school. So why should I join? I’m not my parent’s generation who believed that we as Jews should belong just to belong. I believe it’s important to be involved but I’m not going to join just to say I’m a member.
Hanukah was my first Jewish holiday not working at a Jewish organization and I had so many opportunities to engage or even make latkes at home (Oy, the smell of oil is too much for me to deal with) but I didn’t. I realize now that I’m going to have to make a serious commitment to myself to engage in the community where it once was just easy and frankly part of my job. I’m calling this a HanukahFail but only temporarily as I know my next opportunity to engage comes every Shabbat.
Camp isn’t Just for Campers Part 2: Saying Goodbye to Camp
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| First Day of Camp |
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But as it turned out, the hard part was even harder than I had anticipated.
Part of my job this summer was to help our Interim Camp Director have a successful summer. “No problem” I smirked, as I thought to myself, “I’ll spend the summer outside at camp, play and have fun! I can do that.” And that I did. But what I didn’t realize was how hard my last, last day of camp would be. The reason I got into the Jewish Communal field was to be a Camp Director so the idea of never being part of camp again was truly the end of an era. In my role as the Associate Executive Director of my JCC, I was never far from campers singing and cheering, and I could always take a break from what I was doing to go play outside. This was fate though — my last summer at the JCC — and I got to do what I got into this field to do one last time.
As my last week approached, I thought “what about this am I going to miss the most?” Here is my list:
10. Screaming “Boker Tov Camp!” to all of camp and, in unison, them screaming back “Boker Tov Donna!”
9. Watching a camper pass the deep water test on her last day of camp when she could barely swim on the first day of camp.
8. The amount of enthusiasm campers and counselors have for their team colors during the Maccabi Games.
7. Bringing Israelis to our camp and letting them show campers how amazing Israel is.
6. Watching a group of 11 year old boys not only accept but totally incorporate a boy with Down syndrome into their group.
5. Campers and counselors who will do anything to win the Ruach Stick for the week.
4. All of camp singing the Hatikvah
3. Watching scared campers cry on the first day of camp knowing that 8 weeks from now they will be crying on the last day of camp because they don’t want it to end!
2. Hiring counselors who were your campers since Preschool and them being the most amazing staff.
1. Friday afternoon at Shabbat watching the whole camp saying the prayers over candles, wine, and challah and singing Bim Bom.
On Monday morning of my last week of camp, I declared to everyone that I was going to enjoy every moment and fully embrace the last week of camp craziness. In years past, the last week has always been so hectic and I often said “I don’t have time to participate in (fill in the blank)”. But I was determined to make this year different as I knew there would not be another opportunity like this. Below is just a sampling of the fun that occurs at Camp JCC on the last week of camp.
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| Campers pay to Pie the Counselors in the face. All proceeds go to our Camp Scholarship Fund. |
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| We dig a Mud Pit for the Maccabi Games final relay |
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| Shaving Cream Fight on the last day of camp: a Camp JCC tradition! |
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I’m a true believer in fate — and this summer was fate. Ok, well maybe I should thank Jeremy, the previous camp director who moved to Memphis to be the Program Director (thanks Jeremy!) but either way I can’t imagine ending my 20 year career in the JCC field any other way.
When Are We Home?
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In my last blog I shared that “I lived in seven different countries and felt at home in each one ofthem”. Many of you followed up by asking me, how is that possible. That question triggered a conversation with my daughter, about “which one is really home?”.
Camp isn’t just about the campers!
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| Jessica & Eden back in the day |
About a month ago I boarded a plane from Philly to Ft. Lauderdale excited to be going to a wedding of a close friend. Close is probably an understatement. See I met this beautiful young lady when she was five and I was 15. It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school and she was in my very first camp group at Camp Maccabee. I was a young Junior counselor and she was a nervous first time camper. I immediately connected with her and the entire group of 5 year old girls. I remember getting paid something like $300 for the entire summer but it didn’t matter, I was having a blast. One day at pick-up the camper’s mom asked if I babysat as they were new to the area and were looking for someone to watch their 2 & 5 year old on an occasional Saturday night. Since my summer wage of $1.35 an hour wasn’t cutting it, babysitting seemed like a good way to supplement my income. What happened next changed my life. I met the entire family and fell in love. This family of 4 became my adopted family. They treated me as if I was their 3rd daughter and I loved them for it. Fast forward a lot of years, I’m still really close with this family.
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| All of us at Jessica’s Rehearsal Dinner |
As I reminisced with all of her friends at the wedding each one of them told me how many memories they have from those years at camp and they were surprised to hear how much I remembered as well.
As camp directors, we look at a variety of factors when matching counselors with groups: Personality, age, compatibility with co-counselor, etc. I’m sure Pattie, the camp director back then never thought “hey let’s put Donna with this group of 5 year old girls so that she can make a family friend for a lifetime.”
We always talk about all the reasons why children should go to camp but I think we should be talking about why teens should work at a camp also. There’s nothing like the friendships we make during the hot summer days. The bonding that happens while singing silly songs and covering yourself in paint to signify your loyalty to your color war team is unmatched by any other work experience. As camp directors it’s our job to teach young staff how to be a good employee. We teach them responsibility and work ethic. For so many young teens this is their first employment opportunity and the things we teach them will be with them for a lifetime. A teen who is willing to work very hard in the hot sun with campers hanging all over them while ensuring their safety will make a great employee in the future. You’re welcome big corporations of the world!
Most camps around the country are starting this week. Welcoming campers and getting ready to make memories of a lifetime. Take some time to get to know who is spending the next 8 weeks with your child, you never know if they’ll be part of your family for the next 20 years.
The Chicken or the Egg
So, which comes first: the money or the mission? “Why, the mission of course” you answer ever so confidently.
Taking A Risk
New Year’s Day 2013 approached and as usual I took a look back at 2012 and imagined what 2013 had in store for me. I still make new year’s resolutions but I’ve learned to refine them over the years. Gone are the days that I resolve to lose a ton of weight or just be a better person. Now my resolutions are concrete and a bit more measurable. This year, I had resolved to do 3 things: 1. Cook more, 2. Write more, and 3. Get out of my comfort zone more. Ok, so two were highly measurable and the third well not so much.7 Lessons from My Plumbler
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- No matter how big the leak is, the attitude we bring into the issue matters! When we are faced with a crisis, we can become the first part of the solution or the problem. If the plumber had walked into my house with the same anxiety I was having, I wouldn’t have trusted his ability to solve the problem and he would have become part of the problem himself. As soon as I saw him and because of his attitude, I started to think with more clarity
- Any leak can be viewed differently: perspective, perspective, perspective! A flood to me was just a small incident for the plumber. The pond looked “terrible” to me – I was already imagining my house flooded and everything destroyed. In reality, the problem was small and easy to fix, just by replacing a tiny inexpensive part.
- A leak starts small before it turns into a pond, so pay attention to the first sign of “alarm” and take quick action! I must confess that I knew about a leak for a while, but I chose to ignore it and instead convinced myself that it was “nothing”. Had I handled the problem as soon as it started, I wouldn’t have needed a plumber on such short notice. I could then have planned for it with enough time on my schedule, avoid canceling commitments, pay a more reasonable fee, and not experience this desperation.
- Be prepared to cut the water supply in case of a leak – know your stuff! This is true for the water but also metaphorically. Be prepared and courageous enough to stop a problem before it grows bigger.
- Water leaks require a plumber or handy man – expertise matters! It is ok not to know something, and to call the expert to provide his perspective and skills. Confession number 2: I put some ducting tape when I realized the leak was not stopping, and then hoped for the problem to be solved. What do I know about plumbing? Nothing!
- A leak can originate in many places, and the problem is not always what we think it is! I kept looking at what I believed was the root cause of the leak, but because of that I didn’t pay attention to something else that could have been obvious too.
- A plumber can teach a coach life lessons. Identify your teachers and become one! The plumber came in, did his job and left. He didn’t think of himself as a teacher and yet he was giving me a life lesson. Next time, I will make sure I appreciate my “teacher”, and by doing that try to be a teacher and a learner myself.
Lessons from a Visit at the Children’s Museum
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There Once was a Little Old Lady
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