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    Jewish

    Split Personality: Are you different at work vs at home?

    I stood in front of the mirror sweating in a 105 degree Yoga studio. It’s the same spot I stand in everyday but today I noticed something different about this spot. The mirror split my body right down the center. I had stood their countless other times but today for some reason I noticed it and it struck me as odd. I’m not sure if the heat was getting to me or the Buddhist motivation the teacher was dishing out but either way I became very philosophical at that moment. My body was split and I realized that I often feel like two different people.
    My personality like so many others is split between home and work.  Work Donna and Home Donna are complete opposites as my spouse often reminds me. Work Donna is decisive, outgoing, a multitasker, budget conscious, a tireless go-getter and extremely private. Home Donna is quiet, wishy-washy and for lack of a better term often lazy. The two never meet except on a very rare occasion and everyone notices it quickly. My spouse first recognizes the voice. Apparently, work Donna’s voice is much different than home Donna. My co-workers notice it when I’m indecisive or share some personal anecdote from home. Both my colleagues and my spouse are quick to point out when the other half of me shows up in the wrong place for good or bad.
    After doing a bit of research, I’ve found that I’m not alone (phew!)  Many people feel their personalities are completely different at work and home. There seems to be multiple reasons for this phenomenon.  For those people in a high powered or stressful job, they may need to recharge when they get home. The same is true if you are an extrovert at work.  Even the most extroverted people, need some downtime. Sometimes, the reason we get a job or are successful in a career is because of our personality characteristic.  For those of us, that work in a non-profit, we know that multitasking is a trait that has to be honed and sharpened and without it we would fail miserably at our jobs.  We are no longer specialists in one area but a jack-of-all-trades in many. Although there is a lot to do at home, my to-do list is more of a checklist than a barrage of people coming at me with needs and wants.  I recognize I don’t have children and I’m sure every mom reading this is shaking her head.
    Take a test like the Myers Brigg two times, once in the frame of reference as you are at home and once as you are at work.  Take a look at the differences and examine what the differences are and ask yourself are they working for you at this time in your life and career?  If you’re really daring, take it to your colleagues and family and see if they agree with how you see yourself.  There’s a lot to be learned from what each of them say.  
    My goal next week when I stand in front of that mirror in the Yoga studio is to not see a body divided but to see different parts of me that work together to make a better human being.
    Are you different at work and at home?  Let me know in the comments below.

    How to Stand up to Bullies at Work (Even if the Bully is your Boss!)

     

     

     

    Growing up in Israel, I recall standing silently and watching a kid in my class whose skin color was darker, being teased by other kids for being “stinky”. Yes, in Israel, the country where thousands of Jews from all over the world who endured the Holocaust and anti-semitic horror and were called “dirty” “evil” and “pigs”, were now having their grandchildren face a similar feeling of being outcasts in the Promised Land.
    They say that kids can be cruel…but unfortunately, these kids also grow up. Those who don’t learn these critical life lessons later enter the workforce with the same mindset that it is ok to treat others poorly.
    I am not proud of being silent in my early school days but I have learned a great deal about standing up to bullies whenever I meet them, and teach my children to do the same…even if the stakes are high.
    I am inspired by Elie Wiesel who said “I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.  Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”
    So who is a bully? Anyone who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.
    In the workforce, most bullies don’t consider themselves bullies. They may call themselves “very passionate” or “results-oriented at all costs” or “my way or the highway” type managers. In reality they manage by fear, creating a work environment where people have to first look at the boss’s face in the morning, in order to know what kind of day they are about to have…
    Bullies are not just the bosses, they can be our customers too. An outrageously upset customer ready to bite our heads off for a mistake that is out of our control and threaten that if we don’t fix it immediately they will have us fired. They can be our colleagues who send a nasty email and cc the entire office just to humiliate us, or post a comment on Facebook that makes us look bad.
    They can be affluent board members with great intentions but poor people skills and they can also be our employees who hold a grudge over a decision we’ve made and want us to feel their pain in any possible way.
    Let me be clear. Complaining is not the problem (on the contrary: constructive criticism helps us improve our performance). Being results-focused is not the problem either (after all we are a business),  It is how we talk to others and how we release frustration might be the border line to being a bully. Just like we teach our children: if you keep quiet, hoping this will go away by itself or over time, the bullies win!
    So here are a few ideas that you might want to try out, the next time you are facing a situation where you feel you or others have been mistreated by a workplace bully:
    1)  Face your fear. You are not a child anymore and are able to protect yourself and others.  You are stronger than you think and a person of character. Like Viktor Frankl said “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” So the very first thing to do is..choose to act!
    2)  Face the beast. I believe that we should always try first to deal with the situation one on one. Have a chat with the bully and tell him/her how their behavior impacts you or others. Yes..even if that person is your boss. Often times, they are unaware of the impact they have over people. Always use specific behaviors and be detailed. For example “At the meeting yesterday, when you called me a loser in front of everyone — this is a behavior I will not tolerate..and frankly I don’t think you would either…”  or “I thought Sally was deeply hurt when you raised your voice in an unprofessional way and yelled at her for not doing her job right. I must admit to you this behavior made you look as if you are losing control”.
    3)  Focus on resolutions. Find out what are the triggers that make the bully blow off steam and plan a strategy for dealing with them.
    4)  Find resources. Should the above not help, make sure to keep records of the bullying, document time and events and report it to the HR corporate offices.  Most companies will take your complaint very seriously and will deal with the bully immediately. I’ve known luxury hotels who have asked paying customers to leave property because of bad temper or treating their own staff unprofessionally.
    5)  Have compassion. Understand that some bullies were themselves victims of being treated poorly by their own families, environment or previous bosses. If you choose to act from a compassionate place, they might respond back positively.
    6)  Understand that others might simply be mean.They were mean back at school, and they are mean now in the workplace…often times these people are highly insecure about themselves. Praise yourself for seeing through that and appreciate the good foundation and confidence that you received from your own family and upbringing.
    7) Take a deep breath. A really deep breath. All the way down to your core to allow some time     before you act. Be strategic about your plan: two negatives don’t make a positive.
    8) Find another job. If you have tried everything and nothing seems to help (ex. when the owner or founder is the bully and refuses to change), then know that you’ve done your best and there is no reason for you to spend the rest of your career putting up with this. There are plenty other places that would welcome you and treat you professionally.
    Lastly, remember this “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.” by Elie Wiesel.

    Traditions: Keep, Ditch, or Reinvent Them?

     

    “Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse.”
    I was home sick, lying on my couch, hopped up on cold medicine and for some reason glued to the TV waiting for a puff of smoke to come billowing out of the church chimney. I knew I was watching history but usually Days of our Lives or The Prices is Right takes precedence on a sick day agenda. I couldn’t figure out why I was so interested in the Pope elections, but I was. Then one of the reporters used the word “tradition” and a light bulb went off — or in this case, a white puff of smoke.
    tradition is a belief or behavior passed down within a group or society with symbolic meaning or special significance with origins in the past.  Traditions feel important to so many of us because they bring us comfort and safety.
    But do traditions help us — or do they hold us back?
    When you look at Judaism or any other religion, it is steeped in tradition and it’s often what people love most about their faith. I find comfort in the idea that no matter what synagogue I go to on a Friday night, the service will always be the same. With Passover in just a few days, I have been thinking a lot about what my parents’ traditions were, and what I will carry on with my own family.  My Seder, like many of yours, included telling the story of the Exodus from Egypt from the Maxwell coffee haggadahs, eating matzo, and me as the youngest singing the Four Questions. Now that I have a family of my own, I have the opportunity to reinvent what my Seder looks like and incorporate the traditions of my past, the new things I’ve learned along the way, and anything else my imagination can create.
    But what about traditions at work?  How many times have you heard the answer, “It’s how we’ve always done it.”  Sometimes that statement is about tradition — and other times, it’s just easier to do the same thing over and over again (remember: comfort and safety).  Tradition in the work place can hinder creativity and keep you stuck in the same old, same old.  Think of the program or project that you do year after year: is it still bringing in the same amount of people or raising the same amount of money?  Are you doing it because it’s a tradition and that’s how it’s always been done?  I’m not suggesting that traditions are always good or bad but what I do think is that we should always be aware of whywe are doing something year after year.  If you simply ask the question during the planning process, “are we doing this because it is truly a tradition or because it’s how it’s always been done”, you may avoid the pitfalls of getting stuck in a rut.
    So, as we approach the Passover holiday, ask yourself: what traditions do you want to keep, let go of, or reinvent?

    Get out the Guilt!

    There was the guilt for leaving on a business trip to a warm climate while my family freezes back in New York. Then there was the guilt for missing Sophie’s swim meet and Jacob’s basketball game, and for leaving my husband Michael to spend the weekend driving from end to end of Nassau County between the two. But stepping on and breaking Michael’s toe 24 hours before bailing on everyone? Now THAT’S GUILT!!! (Sorry honey!).

    As my guilty stew continued to boil, I began to think of all the OTHER things that I feel guilty about. I simply do not have enough time, energy or finger-power to type them all here – BUT one thing that did pop up for me was that I felt guilty for letting my blog lie fallow – for more than a year.

    Now THIS I can do something about! So here I am – hineni.

    Let’s get some coaching around guilt, shall we? (And trust me, I need it, too).

    What does feeling guilty get you?
    What does feeling guilty cost you?
    Whose voice – other than your own – do you hear in the guilt? What strikes you about that?
    When the guilty voice pops up, what could you say directly to it?
    When will you tell it to pipe down?
    What’s ONE thing you can get off your guilt list TODAY – by deciding to take care of it, skip it, or something else?

    So here’s mine: I feel good that I’m blogging today. I may not blog again until 2011. And I’m cool with that.

    Let me know about yours!

    To Your Success without the Tsuris,
    Deborah
    www.myjewishcoach.com
    www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

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