relationship building
15 Ways to Break the Law of the Instrument
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once famously remarked: “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” That’s known as The Law of the Instrument – and many of us have one or two well-worn instruments, tools, and approaches that we use to help our colleagues, friends and family solve problems.
I know this first-hand: A decade ago after I graduated from coaching school I realized that my version of The Law of the Instrument was, “When what you are is a coach, every problem looks coachable.” Since one of the most useful tools in the coaching toolkit is curiosity, I asked a lot of questions. I mean, a LOT of questions. It got to the point that I would ask my kids, “How was your day at school?” or “What would you like for dinner?” and would hear, in response, “Are you trying to coach me???”
Point taken. Even though Albert Einstein himself said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning,” the people around me said, “Please give your questioning a rest.”
Now, ten years and hundreds of clients later, I now have a wide range of instruments that I can use to be helpful, depending on whether someone wants direction, advice, support, empathy, instruction, problem-solving or yes, coaching. And it took a lot of work to cultivate a toolkit where I could feel equally comfortable pulling out any instrument and using it well. But the most important development for me was not assuming that I knew what help my client, colleague, friend or kid wanted or needed, but offering them a robust list of helpful approaches from which they could choose. Chances are, you have one or two well-worn instruments that you use regularly (such as problem-solving or brainstorming) and it might be time for you to add some new ones to your toolkit.
You might like the feel of a new instrument in your hand – and you might be able to help the people you work, volunteer and live with might have a breakthrough that wouldn’t have been possible with the tools you’ve been using.
Ready to break the Law of the Instrument? Here is my list of 15 new ones to offer:
- Listen without judgment
- Ask open-ended questions
- Play “Devil’s Advocate”
- Brainstorm 50 new ideas
- Empathize
- Connect you to an expert in the field
- Teach you a skill
- Share my own experience/path
- Give a pep talk/cheerlead
- Help you prioritize
- Take notes while you download your thoughts
- Help you develop evaluation criteria
- Do it along side you
- Send you articles, videos and other resources
- Fix it for you
What are some other instruments you use? Post below.
38 Ways to Say No (and Still Preserve the Relationship)
1. I’m not available then, but could be available on (insert date)
Would that date work?
2. Oh, I will be so disappointed to miss this!
3. While I would love to do that for you, [insert type of priorities] preclude it. I hope you understand.
4. I am so flattered that you asked but unfortunately cannot do that. Can I help you brainstorm someone who might be available?
5. Normally, I would say yes, but I have already committed to ________ at the same time.
6. Right now, I am saying no to all invitations (on this topic, at this timeframe, etc.).
7. I need to decline, but warmly request that you keep me in mind for future meetings/events. Would you please reach out again?
8. I try very hard not to make commitments I will likely need to cancel, and because of the timing here, I would likely need to cancel at the last minute, leaving you in a last-minute scramble to find someone else. Because of that, I will need to say no.
9. That sounds like a fantastic event/opportunity/cause, and I know that I will be sorry to miss it.
10. I cannot attend in person, but I wonder how I can help in some other way. Should we brainstorm ideas?
11. I don’t feel that this is the right fit for me. Can I share with you the kinds of project or priorities that DO feel like a good fit for you to know for down the road?
12. I am so grateful for the opportunity and for you thinking of me. However, I am in demand at the moment with appointments made months ago. I can also recommend x and y and z, who would be great
13. I can’t, but let me take a look at who might be available to fill in for me.
14. My schedule is completely booked for the next {insert timeframe}. Would you please reach back out after then?
15. I am so sorry to decline but I have a prior engagement. Here’s what I’d like to do, though: let me put a note in our files indicating that I needed to turn this request down so that next time, I can move your request to the front of the line.
16. Right now, I am only accepting requests related to X priority. Since this request seems to be about Y priority, let me put you in touch with someone who handles Y.
17. I have reached my [weekly/monthly/quarterly/annual] quota for [speaking engagements, consulting, meetings, panels, rallies, etc.]. Things should open up again by [insert month]. Please reach back out to me then.
18. I hate to admit this but I have already said yes to two events that day, and will need to cancel at least one of those. I don’t want to cancel two.
19. I have recently had some unexpected events come up and so I won’t be scheduling anything new at this time.
20. I will be out of town.
21. I don’t do X, as a rule.
22. I’m good at X, but not great at it. Let me suggest some people who are great at it.
23. It sounds like our budgets aren’t in the same ballpark. If you have flexibility, terrific. And if not, I completely understand and know that you’ll find someone great within your price-range.
24. I will need more information to make a decision. Can you please send me….?
25. I adore the cause, but simply can’t commit right now/I need to decline.
26. I don’t know and I don’t want to hold you up so feel free to ask someone else.
27. You’re so kind to think of me. Thank you. Sadly, I need to decline.
28. Not this time. When’s the next opportunity available for something like this?
29. If only I had a clone then I could be in two places at once!
30. I am heads-down on a project right now, and won’t be coming up for air for the next [insert timeframe].
31. When do you need to know by? I ask because if it’s in the next {week/month/quarter], I will need to say no.
32. Right now, I am only saying yes to very select opportunities that fall into [insert area of focus], and unfortunately this doesn’t meet the criteria.
33. I’m not available for that, but I know someone who is working on a common agenda/goal/objective. Let me connect you!
34. Others have made similar requests, and I have said no to all of those.
35. X is my top priority right now, so I am devoting all of my time to that.
36. With x # of this type of request coming in every month, I have had to limit the number of acceptances in order to make time for other business. I am at my limit.
37. I have committed to my clients that X would be my leading priority this year. For that reason, I will need to say no to this invitation in order to make good on my commitment.
38. Thank you so much, but no.
…and just for fun…
10 Things NOT to Say
1. You’re joking, right?
2. I have commitment issues.
3. This request is below my pay grade.
4. I wish I had the luxury of entertaining such a whimsical request.
5. What do I have to say to get you to understand that NO means NO?
6. I no longer commit to causes that make me feel like a hypocrite.
7. As if!
8. Sure, at half-past never.
9. Yuck!
10. N to the O.
A Great Way to Use $10,000 That You Don’t Have
By Guest Maven Beth Steinhorn
As a nonprofit leader, you likely know many people who are passionate about your mission. You hopefully also know that passionate people are more likely to share their time and talent (not to mention their treasure) with your organization.
How can you best tap into that passion so that these individuals can be involved in ways that are truly helpful in addressing organizational needs?
Start by generating a list of organizational needs. What skills or talents would benefit you and your department in achieving your highest priorities?
If that question is difficult, then try this “$10,000 Question”:
Imagine that an anonymous donor just contributed $10,000 to your department for the sole purpose of hiring a part time contractor for one project or activity over the next 12 months. Whom would you hire?
Amazingly, that question really gets the ideas flowing! And, what’s more amazing is that 95% of the time, there are passionate, skilled volunteers in your world who have the skills and interest to take on one of those tasks. Furthermore, they won’t require the $10,000 – though they will require an investment of time and support in developing and nurturing a successful staff-volunteer partnership.
Here are a few roles that volunteer partners can fulfill:
- Consultant: Provide professional skills and/or content expertise
- Coach/Mentor: Share wisdom, advice, and support in a specialty area
- Trainer: Impart knowledge and understand adult learning
- Evaluator: Assess results and impact for the purpose of quality improvement
- Project Manager: Facilitate a process from beginning to end
- Team Leader: Volunteers leading volunteers and creating team culture
What type of partner could help you achieve your goals, build your capacity so your job is easier, and make a difference for your organization and community? Reimagine what partnership can look like… and the possibilities are endless.
Are you registered for our “Powerful Partnerships: Creating High Impact Staff-Volunteer Partnerships” class?
If you work with volunteers, you know that the relationship is only as good as your expectations, communications and celebrations. But how much time are you putting into making that work? Whether your answer is “not enough!” or “too much!”, this online course will help you be more strategic and thoughtful in creating mutually satisfying partnerships that last.
Classes start March 30 reserve your spot by clicking here NOW!
The Sin I’m Committing Every Day
As you may know, I didn’t grow up with either a formal or informal Jewish education. I didn’t go to Hebrew school or celebrate the High Holidays. Until I was a teenager, I thought that Snow White ate the forbidden fruit. I am largely self-taught – a living version of “Everything I Wanted to Know About Jewish Living I Learned after Age 18.” And I am still constantly learning, evolving and growing.
This year, on Yom Kippur, I learned that:
- I am fine without caffeine until about 3 pm, and then I start to lose my mind.
- I am inclined to replace the three meals I skipped with ten meals worth of noodle pudding, bagels and ice cream.
- I am guilty of a sin that I never realized was one, until I read the prayer book closely: the sin of clever cynicism.
What does it mean to be cynical? First of all, it’s not the same as skepticism. Where skeptics are open to having their thinking changed with new and compelling evidence, cynics aren’t. Cynics are distrusting or disparaging of others’ motives; they are contemptuous or pessimistic. The clever part? Thinking they’re being funny about it – especially if most people around them are cynical too. (Tweet this!)
How many of you have seen the famous New Yorker magazine cartoon of a businessman on the phone with the caption: “No, Thursday’s out. How about never—is never good for you?” It’s clever. It’s cynical. And it’s the kind of language and attitude that now permeates far too many of our conversations, whether we’re talking about our community-based organizations (“ ‘They’ know how to find me, especially if I haven’t made my annual pledge yet”), to our colleagues (“Looks like no good deed goes unpunished around here”), family (“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”) or politics (too many examples to name!).
I’m cleverly cynical far too often to pretend that the prayer book was written just for other people. I also know that I am not alone in making snarky remarks that demonstrate a mistrust of others’ motives, and then wait for the nods and smiles of my peers that make me feel like what I said was smart and socially acceptable. The sad part is that it IS socially acceptable to be cleverly cynical. (Tweet this!) And whether you are cleverly cynical yourself or just tolerating it by suffering in silence, you’re in it with me.
I don’t know if I can change the clever cynicism of the political landscape or even the organizations that I consult with. But I can change my own outlook. Here are three things I am committed to doing:
- Be more compassionate. When I operate under the assumption that people are doing the best they can with what they have, I cut people more slack, and feel empathetic about their challenges. Lord knows, that’s what I would want people to do for me.
- Be more “pronoid.” Paranoia is when we believe that people are out to harm us, whereas pronoia is when we believe that people are conspiring to make good things happen for us. (Tweet this!) If I have to make something up, I’m choosing that perspective!
- Call people on their clever cynicism – gently but directly. When I hear a remark, I’ll ask, “What did you mean by that?” and see if I can help coach someone to get to the heart of their message AND to put a little more heart into their message.
Will it work? The clever cynic in me would surely have SOME quip to make about it. But the kinder, gentler, less cynical me would just smile and say, “I hope so. I have faith.”
To Your Success without the Tsuris,
Deb
p.s. Despite a late start, I am clearly now an “ambassador” for Jewish living, learning and life – the same kind of ambassador you want your staff and volunteers to be for your organization! Want to learn more about how to do that? Join us for our upcoming webinar “How to Be an Ambassador for Your Organization” on Thursday October 8th at 1 pm Eastern – and bring everyone on your team to learn with us!
Camp isn’t just about the campers!
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| Jessica & Eden back in the day |
About a month ago I boarded a plane from Philly to Ft. Lauderdale excited to be going to a wedding of a close friend. Close is probably an understatement. See I met this beautiful young lady when she was five and I was 15. It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school and she was in my very first camp group at Camp Maccabee. I was a young Junior counselor and she was a nervous first time camper. I immediately connected with her and the entire group of 5 year old girls. I remember getting paid something like $300 for the entire summer but it didn’t matter, I was having a blast. One day at pick-up the camper’s mom asked if I babysat as they were new to the area and were looking for someone to watch their 2 & 5 year old on an occasional Saturday night. Since my summer wage of $1.35 an hour wasn’t cutting it, babysitting seemed like a good way to supplement my income. What happened next changed my life. I met the entire family and fell in love. This family of 4 became my adopted family. They treated me as if I was their 3rd daughter and I loved them for it. Fast forward a lot of years, I’m still really close with this family.
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| All of us at Jessica’s Rehearsal Dinner |
As I reminisced with all of her friends at the wedding each one of them told me how many memories they have from those years at camp and they were surprised to hear how much I remembered as well.
As camp directors, we look at a variety of factors when matching counselors with groups: Personality, age, compatibility with co-counselor, etc. I’m sure Pattie, the camp director back then never thought “hey let’s put Donna with this group of 5 year old girls so that she can make a family friend for a lifetime.”
We always talk about all the reasons why children should go to camp but I think we should be talking about why teens should work at a camp also. There’s nothing like the friendships we make during the hot summer days. The bonding that happens while singing silly songs and covering yourself in paint to signify your loyalty to your color war team is unmatched by any other work experience. As camp directors it’s our job to teach young staff how to be a good employee. We teach them responsibility and work ethic. For so many young teens this is their first employment opportunity and the things we teach them will be with them for a lifetime. A teen who is willing to work very hard in the hot sun with campers hanging all over them while ensuring their safety will make a great employee in the future. You’re welcome big corporations of the world!
Most camps around the country are starting this week. Welcoming campers and getting ready to make memories of a lifetime. Take some time to get to know who is spending the next 8 weeks with your child, you never know if they’ll be part of your family for the next 20 years.
There Once was a Little Old Lady
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Reading this Blog (and Oprah, Business Week, and People Magazine) Can Dramatically Change Your Relationships!
I’ve got a file 3 inches thick called “IDEAS” that sits on my desk as a receptacle for every article I rip out of newspapers and magazines. Whether it’s Psychology Today, Entrepreneur, or yes, even Oprah Magazine, if I read it, and think someone else could relate to it, I rip it out.
- Read it
- Relate it
- Rip it
Many of these articles are food for thought for my newsletters, articles and blogs. Some of them are for home use, and I’m very, very careful with the articles I read, relate and rip for my husband Michael. Trust me: he has no patience for the thinly-veiled ruse called, “I saw this article and thought you’d be interested in it” when in fact, I really mean “Here’s an article I read that highlights something about your personality, behavior or habits I’d really like you to change, and I am hoping the article can do the dirty work rather than me speaking with you about it directly or realizing that this just isn’t going to change. That doesn’t fly around here. Other articles are for you (yes, YOU) and if you haven’t gotten one from me yet, I look forward to sending one your way soon!
Here are some of the articles I have hanging around:
- Time-Saving Tools and Technologies for Professional Speakers
- It’s Showdown Time: How to Take the Fight Out of Confrontations
- Leadership in Turbulent Times
- Transforming Professional Relationships
- 10 Blogs to Write Today (I’m actually using this one RIGHT NOW)
I consider my bank of articles (and yes, sometimes they are online and I email a link to them) one of my best relationship-building tools. I love reading something and thinking, “Aha! Amy would love this one!” and then sending it along. It’s a win-win – you get something of value and I get the opportunity to give you something useful that demonstrates that I genuinely know what’s important to you and that I care. And when someone sends ME an article? Well, I am tickled pink. Even if it’s not quite on target, the very act of you thinking of ME makes me happy.
I do notice that the articles my mom sends me tend to focus on a particular theme: They are typically about people who do what I do – coaches, speakers and trainers — and are much more famous than I am. Because I know her and love her (and I know that she loves me), I recognize that her goal is not to make me feel like an underachiever. In fact, her consistent message through her articles is: “You should be every bit as famous as these people are – if not more!” Mom, if it’s bashert it’s bashert. I know that you’re relying on me to get you into the Oscars one day. Right now, I’m happy to have a job that I love. And thanks for always wanting the best for me!
So, as a personal and professional relationship-building tool, keep reading. And relating. And ripping. (Sending is, of course, the final step). Want me to send you an article? Email me your address and I’ll pop one in the mail that you’ll LOVE! Besides, I’m always looking for a reason to quit work early and cuddle up with the new Real Simple!
To your Succcess without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
http://www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
