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    15 Ways to Break the Law of the Instrument

    Hammer, 3D rendering isolated on white backgroundPsychologist Abraham Maslow once famously remarked: “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” That’s known as The Law of the Instrument – and many of us have one or two well-worn instruments, tools, and approaches that we use to help our colleagues, friends and family solve problems.

    I know this first-hand: A decade ago after I graduated from coaching school I realized that my version of The Law of the Instrument was, “When what you are is a coach, every problem looks coachable.” Since one of the most useful tools in the coaching toolkit is curiosity, I asked a lot of questions. I mean, a LOT of questions. It got to the point that I would ask my kids, “How was your day at school?” or “What would you like for dinner?” and would hear, in response, “Are you trying to coach me???”

    Point taken. Even though Albert Einstein himself said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning,” the people around me said, “Please give your questioning a rest.”

    Now, ten years and hundreds of clients later, I now have a wide range of instruments that I can use to be helpful, depending on whether someone wants direction, advice, support, empathy, instruction, problem-solving or yes, coaching. And it took a lot of work to cultivate a toolkit where I could feel equally comfortable pulling out any instrument and using it well.  But the most important development for me was not assuming that I knew what help my client, colleague, friend or kid wanted or needed, but offering them a robust list of helpful approaches from which they could choose. Chances are, you have one or two well-worn instruments that you use regularly (such as problem-solving or brainstorming) and it might be time for you to add some new ones to your toolkit.

    You might like the feel of a new instrument in your hand – and you might be able to help the people you work, volunteer and live with might have a breakthrough that wouldn’t have been possible with the tools you’ve been using.

    Ready to break the Law of the Instrument? Here is my list of 15 new ones to offer:

    1. Listen without judgment
    2. Ask open-ended questions
    3. Play “Devil’s Advocate”
    4. Brainstorm 50 new ideas
    5. Empathize
    6. Connect you to an expert in the field
    7. Teach you a skill
    8. Share my own experience/path
    9. Give a pep talk/cheerlead
    10. Help you prioritize
    11. Take notes while you download your thoughts
    12. Help you develop evaluation criteria
    13. Do it along side you
    14. Send you articles, videos and other resources
    15. Fix it for you

    What are some other instruments you use? Post below.

    Quiz: Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

    Habitual lateness. Extreme disorganization. Not following up sales leads. Self-sabotage takes on a variety of guises and affects people of all ages, professions and economic levels. But it always leads to our not living the life we want for ourselves. Take this Self-Quiz to see whether you might be working against yourself in some areas.

    1. It takes me at least a half hour to locate a document I need to send to someone.

    2. I can be indecisive and fearful; as a result, chances often pass me by.

    3. I tend to start projects with great gusto, but have great difficulty finishing them.

    4. My financial situation is chronically chaotic.

    5. My actions often jeopardize my relationships, my job and/or my financial stability.

    6. I worry a lot about what others think of me.

    7. I tend to give in to compulsive behaviors to overeat or partake excessively of unhealthy substances or activities.

    8. I seem to be always struggling.

    9. I’ve been told I have a problem expressing anger appropriately.

    10. I often put off the things I need and want to do. Procrastination and reliability are problems for me.

    11. I’m still not living the life I truly want, and I’m starting to lose hope that I ever will.

    12. When I really want to do something, I frequently have the thought that I can’t or shouldn’t do it.

    13. My relationships tend to eventually fall apart, or I stay in unhealthy relationships.

    14. When I think about working out, I immediately start thinking about all the other things I “should” be doing instead. Exercise rarely wins.

    15. I’m often late to work and late with assignments; this has hurt my career.

    16. I avoid confrontation and/or fawn over others in order to be liked and win their favor.

    17. I repeatedly make self-deprecating, belittling comments about myself.

    18. I know I have the potential to do more with my life, if I could just get out of my own way.

    Self-defeating behaviors often mask a fear of change and growing; when we deliberately hamper our own efforts, we get to avoid the knowledge that our life is up to us, and that we do, indeed, get to choose. Just imagine the life we could be having if we put as much energy and creativity into manifesting our goals as we do avoiding them. It’s not easy to change self-sabotaging patterns, but with time and practice—and a good dose of self-love—it is possible to end a self-defeating cycle and live the life we truly want for ourselves.

    Deborah Grayson Riegel, MSW, ACC
    www.myjewishcoach.com

     

     

    What the Talmud Says About Lasagna

    “A light for one is a light for one hundred.” – Talmud

    As profound as the Talmud is, it doesn’t speak to me as clearly as food does (did I mention I’m Jewish?). When I read this quote, my first instinct was to go long — what profound meaning could we find in being a light unto the masses, how could we lift the darkness for one or one hundred, what unique gifts do you have that you can be sharing with more people…

    And then, lunchtime came. Which meant that the Talmud was clearly talking about lasagna. Not just any lasagna. My husband Michael’s lasagna.

    Michael makes a MEAN lasagna. It’s got all the standard stuff in it — cheeses, spinach, sauce, eggs. It’s got an added twist (a dozen cloves of roasted garlic, which makes for good eating and infrequent kissing on lasagna night). And it probably has some other stuff that I don’t know about, and likely don’t need to know about. In fact, when I suggested the addition of some more spinach the other night, Michael said as respectfully as possible, “could you just let me do it myself???” Hmmm…sort of sounded like one of our 6 year old twins…no, it sounded like someone who knows what he is doing and is saddled with living with a professional coach.

    But I digress…

    If Michael had just made his lasagna for our family’s eating enjoyment, dayenu. It would have been enough. A light (meal) for one (family). But here’s the thing. We invite people over a lot. And Michael makes his lasagna. So for my sister-in-law Rachel, who doesn’t cook, lasagna night at our house is a huge treat. Really. A light for another family. Dayenu. And then we (he) started making an extra pan each time, to give to Rachel. But wait — then Rachel asked if she could come over on Sunday and have Michael teach her how to make the lasagna so she could have it any time she wanted, and cook it for others. Give a girl a lasagna and she eats for a day. But teach her…you get it. A light for many more. Nice. Dayenu.

    But here was where the light shone even brighter: Our good friend Amy’s son is having his Bar Mitzvah next Shabbat, and Amy (having experienced Michael’s culinary magnum opus) commissioned Michael to make several pans of his lasagna for her extended family’s post-simcha celebration! Would we send her the list of ingredients and she would go to the story for us? she suggested. Could she write us a check to cover labor and materials? she offered.

    No way. Michael’s pleasure and honor to be a part of the simcha. From a humble tomato and noodle comes my husband’s light unto a hundred (well, 25+ aunts, uncles and cousins, but you get the gist.)

    Yes, I will resist the urge to go long, except to ask you: what are you currently enjoying that others might enjoy as well? Post here!

    And of course, Es gezunterheyt! (Yiddish for Bon Apetit)

    Deb

    www.myjewishcoach.com
    www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com
    www.jewishorganizations.blogspot.com

    Do You Know Your Top 3 Goals for 2008?

    Take the free 5 Minute Quiz and download your Free Goals Report!

    Get it here: http://www.FreeGoalsReport.com/quiz.asp?id=2243

     

     

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