deborah
Life Outside the Box
Walking through the woods on a snowy day (with apologies to the good Mr. Frost)…well, actually walking through the city on a hot and humid day, my path as always took me by the little park. I have described this park to you before. It is the place where many of our town’s homeless congregate on bench’s to meet, chat, enjoy a bit of sun and safety.But this day, something was different. I saw a few folks tossing Frisbees for their puppies, a few folks power walking in the middle of the park. But what I did not see was one single solitary homeless person. And more shocking was the other thing I did not see….one single solitary park bench! Our town fathers (and mothers) in their infinite wisdom decided to remove all of the park benches from the three pocket parks located across from the three large churches and synagogues that often serve lunch for the homeless. No benches, No homeless. No homeless, No “noisequarrelsshoutingpushing. Hum.
My experiences walking by those little pocket parks two or three times a week have always been very pleasant. No one has ever pushed, shoved or quarreled as I came by. The most shouting I have ever heard is a “you go girl” or a “looking good today”. Yes, I am not so naive as to believe that when the sun goes down it might not be quite so peaceful in these pocket parks After all, these folks must jockey for the softest (really, is there such a thing?) bench to sleep on. But SO WHAT!
As I continued my walk, without the cheering squad urging me on, I got this image in my mind of a safe, sound, neat, clean, cozy box. This is the box that each and every one of us live in. It is a box filled with privilege. I am not talking about the “privilege” of great wealth. I am talking about the privilege of living a life well above the bottom three rungs of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Of being able to live a life with our biological and physical needs met (food, shelter, warmth), our safety needs met, our belonging and love needs met. Life inside the box is quite wonderful.
And so as we all approach the coming days of awe, I believe that we should each take a moment of our time to think about whether or not we are doing all we can to help more people live a life in the box. Are we volunteering our time and donating a bit of our treasure to help those living outside the box in our own neighborhoods, towns, country, overseas? Are we keeping our covenant to repair the lives of those living outside the box in this tired old world? Are we doing our very best to make this world just a little bit better…to help more people to have some kind of a happily ever after?
I keep a copy of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs posted where I see it every single day to remind me that I am one of the truly luckiest women in the world. As we approach the New Year of 5774 let’s all take a look at dear old Maslow and thank G-d once again for our lives inside the box.
Visiting Israel: A Visit to My Life Philosophy
A 65 year-old person today is not considered old, but I think we can agree that a 65 year-old country
is considered very young. Imagine a 65 year-old country, with roughly 7.5 million people living in it. Imagine a country barely the size of New Jersey. Imagine a country with people arriving in massive immigration waves from the most diverse cultures you can think of, including roughly 150,000 from Ethiopia and 1.5 million from the former Soviet Union, all in recent years. Imagine a young, tiny country trying to welcome all faiths and yet protect its roots. Imagine that country, a true melting pot, living in a difficult neighborhood with many extremists trying to wipe it off the map. Imagine a country where every home is required to have a shelter and all citizens their own gas masks, all the time. Imagine a country where you are sitting in your room and the background noise is from a neighbor country, the border just 1.5 mile away, fighting a bloody civil war. Imagine a country where each and every 18 year-old kid is required to serve in the army for several years. Imagine a young and tiny country in the middle of the desert. Imagine that country fighting for its right to exist in peace, and yet trying to preserve its vibrant democracy.
What kind of country do you imagine? If you’re like me, you imagine Israel, but you also know that it is so much more than what I just described.
I will tell you that in that country and with all that complexity, I had the best family vacation one could ask for! Whatever you imagined, here is what I saw. I saw the beauty and the narrative of a very young country still defining itself, as its own identity keeps evolving while confronting significant existential threats and complex social issues. I saw a country where people feel safe and know that life is valued and important. I saw a blossoming economy in the middle of the desert, where it is sometimes hard to know you are in the desert when you see the modern landscape around you. I saw a changing society that has its own challenges, but also a beautiful mosaic where the most diverse cultures interact and learn how to become one, building a unique blend, and learning painfully how to coexist with the good and the not so good – but always learning! I saw a country that makes the best out of its Army and young soldiers, which develops and grows the younger generations with strong values, education, innovation, and a hope for a better future. I saw people living fully every day. I saw a mezuzah in every grocery store, post office, and everywhere I turned, feeling at home. I saw the hub for many technologies that keep the entire world running, technologies which come from Israeli innovation and scientific advancements, created in the middle of the blossoming desert. I saw a country which continues to have its top universities and academic institutions ranked among the best in the world. I experienced art, culture, healthy democratic debates, and constant self-questioning of its political and judicial systems. I saw incredible beautiful sites and ate wonderful meals from around the world. I enjoyed some remote, wonderful restaurants in the Galilee, started by up-and-coming Israeli chefs, and even a growing Israeli winery in the Golan. I enjoyed the pleasure of the best Mediterranean beaches. I heard the sounds of all religions, languages and music you can imagine. I experienced the sounds of the bombs in Syria while having coffee and the best water melon ever, at my cousin’s home in a beautiful and peaceful Moshav in the Golan. I also heard directly from doctors how Israel is rescuing Syrian women and children and treating them in Israeli hospitals. I heard the struggles and needs of the people but also the understanding that many challenges are global and the hope and desperate cry for peace is a shared struggle. I saw lots of growth and development regardless of all the challenges that young, tiny and complex country faces. I saw the choice to live in peace even if we are not there yet. I saw that life goes on in Israel!
And that’s when I finally understood where my personal and professional “make it a good one” philosophy comes from. I grew up belonging to a country, and today I belong to a community of people that always stands for the life every human being can and deserve to have. We choose to transform what we have, no matter how difficult it is, into a good one! We had slavery, we escaped. We had the tragedy of the Holocaust and we came from the ashes and re-built. We had wars and we kept going. We had terrorism and we didn’t settle. We have a desert and we make it blossom. Israel is young, imperfect as we all are, a very complex society…and yet the people in Israel choose every day to make it a good one.
My trip to Israel was a great vacation, fun and meaningful. But my trip to Israel also became a trip to understand where I come from and how far we can go when we transform what we have into what it can be.
Camp isn’t Just for Campers Part 2: Saying Goodbye to Camp
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| First Day of Camp |
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My last last day of camp was approaching and tears welled up in my eyes every time I thought about saying goodbye to the part of my job that I’ve loved the most. What brought me to this moment? Several months ago, I resigned from my position as the Associate Executive Director at the Siegel JCC in Wilmington, DE. I had been with the agency for almost 12 years and I was ready for a change. Knowing that it would it be a a hard transition for everyone (including myself), I gave four months’ notice.
But as it turned out, the hard part was even harder than I had anticipated.
Part of my job this summer was to help our Interim Camp Director have a successful summer. “No problem” I smirked, as I thought to myself, “I’ll spend the summer outside at camp, play and have fun! I can do that.” And that I did. But what I didn’t realize was how hard my last, last day of camp would be. The reason I got into the Jewish Communal field was to be a Camp Director so the idea of never being part of camp again was truly the end of an era. In my role as the Associate Executive Director of my JCC, I was never far from campers singing and cheering, and I could always take a break from what I was doing to go play outside. This was fate though — my last summer at the JCC — and I got to do what I got into this field to do one last time.
As my last week approached, I thought “what about this am I going to miss the most?” Here is my list:
10. Screaming “Boker Tov Camp!” to all of camp and, in unison, them screaming back “Boker Tov Donna!”
9. Watching a camper pass the deep water test on her last day of camp when she could barely swim on the first day of camp.
8. The amount of enthusiasm campers and counselors have for their team colors during the Maccabi Games.
7. Bringing Israelis to our camp and letting them show campers how amazing Israel is.
6. Watching a group of 11 year old boys not only accept but totally incorporate a boy with Down syndrome into their group.
5. Campers and counselors who will do anything to win the Ruach Stick for the week.
4. All of camp singing the Hatikvah
3. Watching scared campers cry on the first day of camp knowing that 8 weeks from now they will be crying on the last day of camp because they don’t want it to end!
2. Hiring counselors who were your campers since Preschool and them being the most amazing staff.
1. Friday afternoon at Shabbat watching the whole camp saying the prayers over candles, wine, and challah and singing Bim Bom.
On Monday morning of my last week of camp, I declared to everyone that I was going to enjoy every moment and fully embrace the last week of camp craziness. In years past, the last week has always been so hectic and I often said “I don’t have time to participate in (fill in the blank)”. But I was determined to make this year different as I knew there would not be another opportunity like this. Below is just a sampling of the fun that occurs at Camp JCC on the last week of camp.
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| Campers pay to Pie the Counselors in the face. All proceeds go to our Camp Scholarship Fund. |
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| We dig a Mud Pit for the Maccabi Games final relay |
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| Shaving Cream Fight on the last day of camp: a Camp JCC tradition! |
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I’m a true believer in fate — and this summer was fate. Ok, well maybe I should thank Jeremy, the previous camp director who moved to Memphis to be the Program Director (thanks Jeremy!) but either way I can’t imagine ending my 20 year career in the JCC field any other way.
My new job as a consultant and a trainer will allow me to still be a part of camp by training staff and consulting on best practices but I’m not sure that will ever include getting into a Mud Pit or having a shaving cream fight. But hey you never know! Either way, I will always have my last, last week memories to hold onto.
The Three Magic Words
Once upon a time there was a major gifts fairy godmother and she would swoop down, wave her magic wand, say the three magic words and poof! The major gift would appear — just like that.
What, you ask, could those three magic words be?
“Join with me”
How do they work? Well, “join with me” in learning today’s three step lesson in Major Gifts fundraising:
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Get your Board to give
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Get your Board to ask
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Get your Board to use the Three Magic Words
We all know that a basic rule in the world of nonprofits is that 100% of the board must give. OK, I see a group of you thinking “but we don’t have that kind of a board!” YES YOU DO!! Every person who is on your board, regardless of the level of their wealth (or lack thereof), believes deeply in the mission of the organization. Otherwise, why would they give their discretionary time to be a member of your board? So if we have established that they believe deeply in the mission, why would they not want to support that mission? And since there is “NO MONEY NO MISSION”, how can that support not include a financial donation?
We are not, in many cases talking about putting a minimum “give or get or get off” level into this equation, though this is totally appropriate for some of your organizations. What we are talking about is helping to make the achievement of the mission goals possible…something that takes money. That mandates asking each and every board member to make a gift to reach those goals.
I have worked with many human service nonprofits that have by-laws that require that there will be at least two “clients” on the board. And I have found with the most successful of these organizations, it is the client who is the very first to make an annual financial contribution to the organization. I have seen some of these gifts be $2.00…and have been awed by the power of those gifts. And if that formerly homeless woman, that high-risk, single parent of a child deemed “at risk”, that unemployed and in-debt elderly gentleman can do it…then certainly every other member of the board can make an annual financial donation to the organization. Again…how can we ask others to do what we ourselves did not think was important enough to do?
Which brings me back to the three easy steps. These steps are as important to non major gifts fund raising as they are absolutely critical to major gifts fund raising. Once the board member has made his or her own financial commitment, Step 1 is done. When a board member is ready to have personal conversations with others in the community (in other words has had some training in ‘how to ask’), willing (in other words has learned that passion for a mission must be followed by action towards reaching those mission goals) and able (in other words has the ability to form sentences and speak them). Step 2 is done. And now, along with a wonderful (and short) mission story, a very few (very few) facts, much eye contact, a whole lot of active listening to what the donor has to say, it is time to ask the donor for a gift, Step 3. And what could be more powerful than using saying “join with me”?
And you know what? Even without a magic wand, you just might get that gift!
When Are We Home?
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“Home is the place that goes where you go, yet it welcomes you upon return. Like a dog overjoyed at the door. We’ve missed you is what you hear, no matter how long you’ve been gone” – Michael J Rosen
In my last blog I shared that “I lived in seven different countries and felt at home in each one ofthem”. Many of you followed up by asking me, how is that possible. That question triggered a conversation with my daughter, about “which one is really home?”.
Once again, like with most questions in life, there is no simple answer. To this day, when people ask me “where are you from?” my answer is not a straight-forward one. Instead, I always feel the need to share a short story in response. “I was born in Israel, but I lived in seven different countries, mostly in Argentina, where my parents, my husband and children are from, and now I’m from Durham, NC”, and then I have an urge to add “I’m a citizen of the world”. Oy! So, where IS home?
Let’s start with question #1, how is it possible to make every place home? Well, I need to give credit to my parents for that!
– To start, they always made me feel we were on a mission. It wasn’t about an unstable life, but a life with a purpose. We were moving for my dad’s job and we all had a share in that job. My dad worked for the Israeli Foreign Ministry and I always was a little ambassador for my country. The purpose was to bring with me my homeland and share it with my new home until I can share it with another home, and then another… and at the end we all learn that we are part of one big home.
– They always taught me that I was part of a community that was all over the world, and being part of that community gave me a sense of belonging, wherever that community was. I can’t remember having arrived to any country and not being invited that first Friday to a family Shabbat dinner with the same prayers, tastes, and traditions we had at home.
– They also made me believe – and I still do!- that there were always friends waiting to meet me in other places. I cried for a week saying goodbye to my friends, but I was also excited to go and meet those who were waiting for me. Coming into a new school it gave me all the confidence I needed to make new friends “who were waiting for me” — something I carry with me even today.
– And finally, my parents would recreate my environment as if every place was the final destination, not a transition. It wasn’t about “we will live here only for two years”, but it was about “this is home now”. Believe me, it worked!
My husband always reminds me, it has to do with my personality. But more than that, it has to do with my choice of how I want to live. I could cry for what I am leaving behind, or I could choose to believe that what I have I can still have anywhere I go, and what was there for me will still be there even if I move.
Now to question #2, which one is really home? That’s a more philosophical question. At this point “home” is larger than a country for me. Yes, Home is the country I was born in, no doubt about it, even if I left at a young age and even if when I visit (visit home?) I feel a stranger in many ways- from my accent to the way of living. But I belong there, and belonging is home. Home is being with my childhood friends wherever they are around the globe every time I see them. Home is always when I’m with family who is also happened to be spread out around the world. Home is when I taste that food from that country where I used to live. Home is listening to the languages I was born into. Home is listening to the songs I grew up with. Home is my parents. Home is being with my husband and my kids even if it is in a hotel room. Home is my house no matter where it is. As Rabbetzin Twerski wrote “home has nothing to do with bricks and mortar and furnishing, it has everything to do with the spirit which fills it”.
There is a famous song in Spanish, “No soy de aqui, ni soy de alla.” which means “I’m neither from here nor from there”, but I’d rather sing it “I’m from here and I’m from there”.
Home is a feeling, not a place. To me “home” is a state of mind, not always a single place but many places. Home is a place that goes where I go.
Change is Inevitable, Suffering Isn’t: Strategies for Managing Change
After 35 years of working hard and loving every minute of it, my mother is retiring.
For my mom, this moment came as a surprise. Of course, a part of her brain was aware of this reality but the other part was in a complete denial.
For some people, work is a paycheck; a means to get the bills paid and live life. For others, work is a sense of purpose; a validation that their existence means something to someone and that by doing their job and living their life purpose…the world is becoming a better place. For my mom, the latter was the case and this is why it felt to her that someone had just turned off the lights in the middle of the show.
In Israel, we have a perfect example that age has nothing to do with who you are and what you are capable of doing. Shimon Peres, at age 90 and Israel’s President, is living proof that as long as you feel you have something to contribute to the world, then it is your obligation to do so.
So the question to ask is, why is it so confusing and scary, at times, for people like my mother to retire. I think the answer lies in our ability to manage change or better yet, manage life transitions.
Transitions as a Journey Across a Bridge
Some of the changes in our lives are by choice and our response to the change is positive. Other changes are being forced on us and our response to them might be negative. Either way we need to realize that we are leaving something behind (if we get married – we leave our single life behind, when we start a family – we leave our freedom and sleep behind, when we lose our jobs – we leave our routine and security behind, when we age – we leave our youth behind and all the possibilities we could have had). That is when the journey starts. It is like crossing a bridge. Sometimes we are excited about the journey, and sometimes we are scared. Sometimes the bridges are short and the view is spectacular and sometimes it is long and foggy and we can’t see what’s on the other side. At times we run fast on the bridge, can’t wait to start the new chapter in our lives and sometimes, we refuse to take a single step, holding on to the railing and keeping looking back to all the things that we left behind.
Harry Woodwards, in his book “Navigating Through Change” has identified four human reactions to change:
· Confusion – “I’m ok but my whole world is destroyed”
· Denial – “If I don’t talk about it or think about it – it doesn’t really happen to me”
· Anger – “Just as it happened to me, it will happen to you too!”
· Loss – “Who am I if I am no longer have my career or my identity as a spouse?”
All four reactions have a positive aspect (in moderation) and negative aspects that we must watch out for. We have the ability to recognize the type of reaction that we have, validate our feelings and deal with the difficulties. If we choose to stay “stuck” in any of the reactions – we will never be able to progress in the transitional journey and start a new chapter.
Managing the Road Blocks
Sometimes transitions are difficult because of the things that keep holding us back. My friend and colleague, Myriam Khalifa, had suggested that there could be others areas in our life other than our reaction to change that we should look at, such as:
· Others – beliefs and thoughts of people who are close to us. For example, “my parents raised me to always put my family first, before my own needs”.
· World – circumstances in our life, such as financial crisis, “our mortgage is upside down”, conflicts in the middle east etc.- all that prevent me from leaving the place I am at now.
· Work/Stay home – logistics around the house, commitments that we have at work/home. For example, “my paycheck is really good, even if I’m unhappy with my job”. Or, “I don’t have time for what I really want to do since I have to be here for my children”.
Sometime we are so bogged down by the roadblocks that we can’t even start thinking of our dreams. Every time we dare to come up with a new idea for ourselves, a roadblock pops in our mind and we soon let go of our dreams. Why not, instead of letting go of our dreams, let go of the roadblocks. This does not mean letting go of the people and responsibilities we have. It means, letting go of the thought that we can’t do things because of our responsibilities.
Tools for Dealing with Transitions:
- Recognize and identify the situation: time of transition. What kind of bridge it is? Where are you on this bridge?
- Re-connecting to your core essence. You are much more than the roles you have in your life.
- Understanding the natural process of transition and the kind of reaction that you have.
- Make an inventory – what has really changed in your life and what has stayed the same?
- Allow time to mourn. Even if the change is positive – you are leaving something behind.
- Try to enjoy this time of uncertainty. Dare to dream again about a new bright future. Stay open to new ideas and thoughts.
- Take care of yourself! What makes you calm and happy? – Do it!
- This is the time to rely on your support group (friends and family). You are always there for them…it is time for them to remind you how wonderful and capable a person you are!
- If the change gives you some free time – enjoy it.
- Don’t worry! Its going to be OK. Your body is feeling the stress, allow it to breathe deep and relax.
- Let your emotion be. The more you try to fight sadness and insecurity – the more power they will have over you. We all want to feel positive feelings, but there are other kinds too. Recognize your own feelings and don’t let them take you off track.
- Be brave – trust your core essence and god’s gifts
- Instead of saying “I used to be” or “I had” – say: “I hope to be” or “I plan to do”
- Even if feels that someone had turned off the lights…we always can turn them back on.
I’d like to wish my mother a smooth journey crossing the bridge into retirement and finding a new and fulfilling new chapter in her life.
The Chicken or the Egg – Part II
So, rumor has it that some of you had a bit of a conversation around my last blog “What comes first, Of course since I live in the 1950’s, in other words not on Facebook, I have absolutely no idea what all you guys said. But thanks to my dear fellow My Jewish Coach, Donna Schwartz, I have, in spite of crashing my 1950’s computer, kicking and screaminly entered your universe and joined Facebook!!!the chicken or the egg?”
As soon as I accomplished this ever so mighty feat, I felt really proud of my very clever self. But there was one small problem…I have absolutely no idea what to do now. And most importantly, I have no idea how to communicate with you guys (please note that a guy is very often a woman!) when each and every one of you decide that the following is something you simply do not agree with!
Yes. I still believe NO MONEY – NO MISSION. Yes, the MONEY must come first. That being said, without a compelling mission, (remember your really, really really great idea from last month?) finding the money is gonna be a tad difficult. Does that mean that the MISSION comes first? Hum. I do believe that we are now smack dab back in that whole chicken and egg conundrum.
So now here are the three Jane P. Stein recommendations for getting around this whole mishegas.
1. Take that really really really great idea – now becoming in your own mind a sorta mission statement – and call the very smartest person you know. To qualify who this particular very smart person should be, it needs to be someone with a whole boat load of money and a willingness to part with it for organizations with compelling missions (you know…that guy with the philanthropic soul).
2. Make an appointment (a date for coffee or “just 15 minutes of your time at your office”) to meet face to face.
3. Use the nine magic words “I really would love to pick your amazing brain” followed very quickly (no breathing allowed) by the eight even more magical words “I promise I won’t ask you for money”.
And BINGO! You are on your way!! This is your opportunity to test drive your idea. Call it your very own personal feasibility study (and just like those fancy and very expensive feasibility studies we all know and don’t particularly love) your very smart person knows that you will be back one day asking for money! But at this meeting, DO NOT ASK FOR MONEY…and if this very smart person begs you to take money to get started, please, please keep your promise and DO NOT TAKE THE MONEY. You are there to paint the picture of how much better the world will be with the implementation of your mission idea. This is your chance to engage another person into dreaming your dream with you.
Of course if you cannot engage this very smart person into dreaming with you, it may be time to go back to the drawing board. No engagement, no money. No money, no mission.
But if you see this guy’s eyes light up. And you see this guy move forward to the edge of that great big scary office chair, pitch your little heart out, but be sure that you take a whole lot of the time to get input from the very smart person.
Because once that input starts getting put in, you will find yourself with a new partner to your dream…one with the money (and the friends and the contacts and the connections) to get your mission up and running. And then guess what???? MONEY AND MISSION!!!
Camp isn’t just about the campers!
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| Jessica & Eden back in the day |
About a month ago I boarded a plane from Philly to Ft. Lauderdale excited to be going to a wedding of a close friend. Close is probably an understatement. See I met this beautiful young lady when she was five and I was 15. It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school and she was in my very first camp group at Camp Maccabee. I was a young Junior counselor and she was a nervous first time camper. I immediately connected with her and the entire group of 5 year old girls. I remember getting paid something like $300 for the entire summer but it didn’t matter, I was having a blast. One day at pick-up the camper’s mom asked if I babysat as they were new to the area and were looking for someone to watch their 2 & 5 year old on an occasional Saturday night. Since my summer wage of $1.35 an hour wasn’t cutting it, babysitting seemed like a good way to supplement my income. What happened next changed my life. I met the entire family and fell in love. This family of 4 became my adopted family. They treated me as if I was their 3rd daughter and I loved them for it. Fast forward a lot of years, I’m still really close with this family.
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| All of us at Jessica’s Rehearsal Dinner |
As I reminisced with all of her friends at the wedding each one of them told me how many memories they have from those years at camp and they were surprised to hear how much I remembered as well.
As camp directors, we look at a variety of factors when matching counselors with groups: Personality, age, compatibility with co-counselor, etc. I’m sure Pattie, the camp director back then never thought “hey let’s put Donna with this group of 5 year old girls so that she can make a family friend for a lifetime.”
We always talk about all the reasons why children should go to camp but I think we should be talking about why teens should work at a camp also. There’s nothing like the friendships we make during the hot summer days. The bonding that happens while singing silly songs and covering yourself in paint to signify your loyalty to your color war team is unmatched by any other work experience. As camp directors it’s our job to teach young staff how to be a good employee. We teach them responsibility and work ethic. For so many young teens this is their first employment opportunity and the things we teach them will be with them for a lifetime. A teen who is willing to work very hard in the hot sun with campers hanging all over them while ensuring their safety will make a great employee in the future. You’re welcome big corporations of the world!
Most camps around the country are starting this week. Welcoming campers and getting ready to make memories of a lifetime. Take some time to get to know who is spending the next 8 weeks with your child, you never know if they’ll be part of your family for the next 20 years.
New languages offer a new way of being
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“There’s this boy who recently moved to the United States from Latin America and he’s facing some challenges. I would like for you to meet his parents and offer some help”, a good friend and preschool teacher told me the other day. “Tell me more…give me an example”, I replied.
“Well, we were speaking about bedtime and when I asked about his, he didn’t respond”, she told me concerned. I tried to explain to her why this boy might not know the significance of “bedtime”.
“You see, in many Latin American countries, there is no such thing as a “bedtime” or “story time” or even “time out”. The boy might not really know what you are asking him, because he might just go to bed when he is tired, or whenever his parents believe the time is right”. I looked at her with a big smile, as I reflected on all the cultural differences I had to face when my family and I moved to the U.S. 15 years ago and learn a new language. Still, after 15 long years, cultural shocks are part of my daily routine.
Some of the things I had to adapt to were in many cases unexpected, and with them came new words which brought new meanings and overall, a new me. Here are just a few:
• Being invited to supper at 5:00 p.m. Dinner is supposed to be at 9:00 p.m. or later…anything earlier is a “merienda” (snack time); or the word supper itself. I hadn’t heard the meaning to that word until moving to the U.S.
• Story time, time out, or bedtime… what do these things even mean? we didn’t have them in our family over there.
• Being told the time a party starts and the time a party ends. In the world I come from, that’s considered rude. Parties last until people feel like leaving…No set beginnings and no set endings. Just go with the flow
• Waving or nodding politely instead of kissing someone on the cheek when you greet them. In that world it is extremely rude, but in the U.S., it’s courteous!
• Walking into a room and not being able to just interrupt any conversation with a hug, but waiting until I’m being noticed…
• Requesting from people not to bring birthday gifts and instead make a donation. I love giving and receiving birthday gifts, why can’t I bring something?
• Teachers are not encouraged to hug their young students with passion or sometimes even sit them on their laps, while in my world that was a way of showing affection and expected from a teacher.
• Not opening gifts as soon as you get them on your birthday or opening all the gifts in front of everyone – I was taught not to do any of those! you open the gift as soon as you get it in front of the person who gave it to you.
• Sending thank you notes – never! Instead, giving a hug and thanking someone on the spot.
• Youth soccer leagues make everyone a winner no matter what the final score is. How are kids supposed to learn how to compete, if everyone always wins?
• Not having your doctor available whenever you need them. Where I come from, the doctor can regularly come to your home!
• Brunch on Sundays.
• … And the list can go on forever. My personal list grows as I learn of new things everyday.
So far, I’ve lived in seven different countries and I made each one my home. My world is always expanding as I discover new words, those words are new customs and traditions. I’m still trying to invite my American friends to “pasear” with me which is common for me, but I can’t find the exact word in English, as people here don’t “pasear” (walk around for the pure sake of walking, visiting places just to visit.) While this is true in Spanish, English has no such thing. Instead, I must use a long sentence to express my desire to go on a walk and visit places just to visit. Likewise, I can’t find a Spanish translation for the words “accountability” or “fund-raising” unless, once again, I use a lengthy descriptive sentence.
Words and languages create cultures, and as you learn a new language, you unleash a new “way of being.” Often I see people who are multilingual showing different personalities depending the language they are speaking at the moment, as if each language carries a different personality with it.
While at the beginning I had no clue what a bedtime was, I have learned to incorporate it into my own life and even used it with my children sometimes. I’ve also learned how to eat dinner earlier and attend and even host Sunday brunches from time to time. There are things, however, that my American friends have learned not to expect from me, among them waiting to open my gifts or sending them a thank you note. On these occasions, my Israeli and Latin spontaneity are emphasized more than ever.
Bottom line:it’s crucial to understand where the other person is coming from in order to make sure we are really communicating. The words we speak reflect the realities we are parts of and each reality provides different meanings. “What time do you go to bed in general?” is a universal question, everyone sleeps. “What time is your bed-time” is cultural, not everyone goes to sleep at a pre-determined time. It’s something worth thinking about in order to cross boundaries when we talk to someone who comes from a different country or background.
Learn a new language and your world is guaranteed to become boundless, as mine has become over the years. New words with new meanings become new habits, and that’s how you adapt and make every place home. It is like going to a new restaurant and trying a new dish. It’s a new flavour that you have discovered and has now become a new option you never knew before.
It is None of Your Business…or Is It?
During Memorial Day weekend, I had the opportunity to escort the Israeli Scouts (Tzofim) on their summer camp. This was my daughter’s first sleep away camp experience and I was not about to miss any of it. I still remember the strange looks of other moms questioning my sanity and why I would put myself (voluntarily) on a bus with 40 loud kids for a 9 hour drive to Camp Ramah in Ojai, CA. But for me, it was all about being there for my daughter and (subconsciously)protecting her from any harm that might happen to her while she was away from the safety of home.Remember the movie “Finding Nemo”? Remember how Marlon, Nemo’s father, wouldn’t let him out into the world out of fear? Well, I was the Marlon in this scenario.
To make a long story short, I had noticed that my daughter was making efforts to become friends with a few girls that didn’t seem to want her friendship. While my role as a chaperone parent was very clear to me which was “only help when you are asked to” and “leave it all to the counselors”, I still couldn’t resist whispering in my daughter’s ear that maybe she should be re-directing her efforts in getting to know other girls who might have been nicer to her.
Day two, I kept on noticing that even though my daughter seemed to enjoy herself, she was, at times, by herself observing the others. Again, I felt I should be advising her (and then later advising the counselors) that she needed to become more part of the group. It didn’t take too long for the other kids to notice that there was an overprotective mother there who simply couldn’t let go.
The next day, I was called for a serious conversation by my 10 year old daughter, who gave me a tough but much needed lesson. She said.. “Mom, I know you are trying to help me but you are being over-protective and I am really fine”. In other words…it was none of my business. With tears falling down my face…I kissed her and told her that she was right and that I would stay out of her way. The following day, I kept myself busy with hiking at beautiful Camp Ramah and finished reading a great book. When I decided to go and “check on the kids”, I saw my daughter happy with her team and surrounded by friends.
Seeing your child hurting is a painful experience for any parent. Seeing your project at work (your “baby”) getting off track is painful too. At times, we are under the false impression that we have the power to fix the world. While “Tikun Olam” is precisely about fixing the world, we need to understand that there are situations where letting go is the right thing to do. As managers, how many times are our employees are asking us to solve a problem, and we feel that only our intervention will get the problem solved? When we do that on a regular basis, we interfere with our employees’ ability to take care of business themselves. We increase their dependency on us, leading to a vicious cycle where we are always needed.
What I learned in Camp Ramah was that “Growing pains” are not only physical but emotional too. Sometimes, the real growth and development comes from experiencing a challenge and overcoming it. People are by far better off solving their own problems and sticking to these solutions long term. Even when our guidance is being asked, sometimes a “it’s not my business – it’s yours” mindset is the right guidance for a team.
So, who do you need to tell (kindly, of course) to mind their business?
