deborah

The Art of Asking For (and Getting) What You Need

Published March 19, 2013 | By deborah

A few years ago, I made sure I let my family know that I wanted to really, truly celebrate the upcoming Mother’s Day. In my mind, I was expecting breakfast, served in bed, as a perfect start. The day arrived, and, like any other day, breakfast was sitting on the kitchen table. No delivery. No bed tray. Nothing special. Everyone was too busy with sports or homework, and I was disappointed that my special request wasn’t met – until I realized that I had never actually articulatedmy desires. I had “breakfast in bed” in my head – but the request never made it out of my mouth.

How many times do you make requests that end up in disappointments? Or even worse, you expect something that you never even asked for in the first place? It can be breakfast in bed, asking a co-worker for a copy of a document (over and over again), asking for a report and getting half of the information you needed, expecting others to know what to do without any specific guidance, or getting advice from your boss but not really the advice you needed to get the job done.

As the song tells us, “you can’t always get what you want” – but here are five good tips that can tip the odds in your favor:

1- An effective request requires a committed speaker and a committed listener.Always ask for what you want and how you want it, rather than assuming that it is obvious to others. Make your request clear, and make sure you get the full attention you need. Stop making casual requests in the hallway, while distracted looking at your screen, or “by the way” requests. How you ask for things will determine how you will receive it in return!

2- An effective request must include a clear and shared understanding of your standards for satisfaction. Share your conditions of satisfaction in order to have your request fulfilled exactly as you expect it to be. Provide all the details you are thinking of, unless it is a situation in which you are flexible and open to surprises. When I asked my son to clean his room, without going into details, he did just that. Later I learned that “clean” meant one thing to me and something totally different to him (hiding things in the closet or under the desk). Yes, after a while, people learn routines and they know how you like your coffee or what you need in a daily report, but until then it is important to be as clear as you can.

3- An effective request must include a clear deadline and a realistic agreement with those being asked. Let others know the time frame to meet your request. Things such as “at your earliest convenience”, “as soon as possible” or “promptly” are not precise enough. What seems obvious to you might not be to the other person. It is always good to pre-establish checkpoints for long-term requests to make sure things are on track.

4- An effective request must include the right context and mood shared by all parties involved. Make sure the right mood is set for your request. It is a fact that the right conversation in the wrong mood is the wrong conversation. It is preferable to wait to make a request than to just make it when the context or the emotions are not the adequate ones. In this case is better to take a break – this could be a request in itself – and come back for a fresh new start later on.

5- An effective request needs that those you are involving are capable of delivering. Verify that those you are making the request from have the capacity to fulfill it the way you expect. Don’t just assume; check and verify with them. This is good practice. If you are asking someone with a broken leg, on crutches, to go to get you a coffee with lots of milk from the busy cafeteria down the block, and bring it to you in the next 5 minutes before your next meeting, you might end up getting a late and cold latte!

The following Mother’s Day, I knew better. Sitting around the table, paying full attention to each member of my family, and in the right mood, I said, “I have a request to make for Mother’s Day. I want to have breakfast served in bed on a tray with a red rose, with fresh squeezed orange juice, 2 scrambled eggs, 1 wheat toast with fat free butter. I want it at 9:00 am”. Then I checked that everyone’s schedule would allow for it, that they understood what I wanted and why it was important to me, and that they were ok with it. Every year now I get my tray in bed, and unless I want something different, I don’t need to request it anymore. The rest of the day is filled with surprises, which is always good too.

I didn’t want to leave my requests for my special day to chance – and now, using these five tips, you don’t have to leave any day to chance.

How Our Words Can Make It or Break It

Published March 11, 2013 | By deborah

How Our Words Can Make It or Break It

By Noa Peri-Jensch

Mark Twain once said “the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” I think his statement perfectly sums up a recent challenge I had with one particular word.

I was recently exploring the opportunity to partner with a colleague in a joint venture. A part of this offer was to sign a contract highlighting the expectations of our work together. As much as I saw a great mutual benefit in this opportunity, it was difficult for me to commit. I felt stuck in the decision making process and couldn’t identify exactly what was holding me back. It wasn’t until I had a discussion with my colleague that it became obvious to me what was the problem: the word “CONTRACT”. While this word is used in so many contexts, to my subconscious it meant LACK OF TRUST (we have each other’s commitment, why do we need a contract?) and a sense of BEING LOCKED IN that wasn’t very comfortable to me.

But of course, only my subconscious mind was aware of that. In the meantime, my conscious brain was looking for different excuses of why this partnership was not really going to work out. When I finally questioned my own emotions and admitted that I loved the potential business opportunity but not the idea of a “CONTRACT”, my colleague offered me an alternative: “What if we call it an “AGREEMENT” instead?”

WOW. I could literately feel my muscles relaxing and my whole body shifting to a spa mode, all because of this new word, “AGREEMENT”. Agreement (I am part of it by choice) vs. Contract (I am locked in). Granted, while the document would be the same, each word carried a different vibe and meaning to me that generated an emotion.

Emotions are caused by our thoughts, and our thoughts are caused by our beliefs and experiences supported by our values. For example, for those of us who grew up reading the Grimm Brothers books, the word “Stepmother” is equivalent to undeniable evil (Snow White, Hansel and Gretel, Cinderella and Rapunzel – these poor kids…Where was Child Protective Services back then?!) However, this is a terrible misrepresentation to the wonderful, most loving and caring stepmothers out there. It is possible that our understanding of our perceived emotions is based on fiction or beliefs that hold no ground in present time or in our real lives.

I had once coached a finance executive (let’s call him Mike) in the pharmaceutical industry who was having a hard time obtaining job offers once he had relocated back to the States after many years working abroad. In efforts to fit right back in corporate American culture, he had forgotten the power of words and emotions. Here’s a typical example: Mike would get a job offer and become very excited. He would then thank the HR director and say that he would have his lawyer look into the offer and get back to her in a few days. To his dismay, within 24 hours, the HR director would call back, apologizing that the company had decided to hold back hiring for this position at this point in time or another politically correct answer that basically said: “really? You haven’t even started working here and you are already talking about lawyers??!” I truly believe that Mike’s subconscious was trying to guide him to act in a way he felt would make him look even more professional and detailed oriented (as the company would have certainly liked him to be), however his words (and choice of tone) would be turning him in the wrong direction. When we talked more about the gap between his intentions and the actual impact, we were able to look at the language he was using and the emotions they would generate in different situations with different people and certain moments.

So how can we make sure we carefully use the right word instead of the almost right word? I guess this depends on the underline values we each hold and the emotional attachment that we place to words individually. I’ve learned that it is a good investment taking the time to understand what does a word truly mean to me and realize that it may hold a completely different meaning to someone else. Pausing to think, seeking for input from others and asking for clarification might be the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

We are Growing: Meet the New Team!

Published March 1, 2013 | By deborah

Balancing Our Heads and Our Hearts

Published February 27, 2013 | By deborah

Balancing Our Heads and Our Hearts
by Jane Stein
jane@myjewishcoach.com

Several weeks ago I was facilitating a board of Directors’ retreat for one of my nonprofit clients. I had invited the Chairman of the Board of a larger client organization, a gentleman who had retired from a Fortune 500 company as a very senior vice president, to do a lunch talk about what he believed it took to build the very best nonprofit board. In his remarks, he spoke about how when he was working in the for profit world, life was simple…all goals were clearly defined, all decisions were made with his head. But when he entered the universe of the nonprofits, he found very quickly that all decisions had to be a balance between his head and his heart.

How we handle this balance is different for all of us….a hungry child needs our food banks to have shelves and shelves and shelves filled with food….but for our food banks to have shelves and shelves and shelves filled with food, we need to do a whole lot of food raising and fund raising. We need our homeless families to have a safe place to shelter….but keeping those shelters safe and actually operating at all, means we need a whole lot of real estate and a whole of case management … and that means we need a whole lot of money. The children, individuals and families who come to our Jewish Family Services need a whole lot of program and clinical services….and guess what…that means a whole lot of money….and our JCC’s…oy! Do they need a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY!

When we sit on the boards or are a part of the staff of a nonprofit we are a part of a huge continuum of services. We work to lift those in our community up through Maslow’s Hierarchy (you know the one: food, safety and shelter first, and then if you are lucky, one day you can rise up through education and meaningful employment to “self actualization” whatever the heck that is!) If we do not find the balance between our heads and our hearts, we will find that wonderful 501(C)3 that we love so dearly has to close its doors.

Finding this balance is not an option. It is one of the two responsibilities of Board membership (governance and support). Being the best board member possible means being fiscally responsible no matter how compelling the face of that one more child you could be serving may be. If you have no organization because you had to close the doors, what good are you to anyone? And being professional staff at any of our nonprofit organizations does not mean working for slave wages, but it does mean working as efficiently and effectively as possible so that every dollar is wisely spent.

I encourage every organization with which I work to understand the mantra “No money, no mission!” (More on this subject in future blogs!) And I encourage them all to understand that we choose to work with nonprofit organizations because all of that heart stuff is built right in.

I always believe that our mission when we work with nonprofits, is to help to repair some part of our tired, worn out world. And of course all of us, representing so many of the very best of the nonprofits in our Jewish world, understand this mission from the very core of our being….we work (for financial remuneration or for no financial remuneration at all) because we so deeply believe that we were placed on this earth to make a contribution to this repair, and to do it under the Kingship of G-d.

So……does this mean we lead more with our hearts than with our heads? You bet!

Why Being Spock Rocks: The Power of Not Being the #1

Published January 30, 2013 | By deborah

by Donna Schwartz, MyJewishCoach.com

For many years I wanted to be an Executive Director of a non-profit. As a person who is very goal oriented, I was always aware of what my next career move should be. And over the past 18 years I’ve managed to advance my career just about every 4 years. So naturally, my internal alarm clock started ticking when I had been in my current position as the Assistant Director of my JCC for over 4 years. After a lot of careful consideration, I’ve come to realize that being the second in charge is the right seat on the bus for me. Here are the reasons why I thing being in the number 2 seat is the best location:

1. 1. You are not the ultimate authority but you still get to celebrate all the agency wins. It’s like being the assistant coach of your child’s little league team. When the team wins you get credit for the win but when the parent of the child who didn’t get to play complains, they go directly to the head coach.

2. 2. Your position can be tailored to your strengths and can change with you as your grow. As the second in command, I can still do the things I love. I have a passion for fundraising and throwing large-scale events. This wasn’t part of my original job description but doing these things gives me job satisfaction and it’s great for the organization.

3. 3. You are the pulse of the day-to-day operations. Everyday is different and you are the one that everyone usually comes to for help and advice. The Executive Director’s time is usually very scarce which makes you the go to person for staff.

4. 4. You don’t always to have to be the face of the agency. As the Executive Director, your job is to shake hands and kiss a lot of babies. When you are at an event the Executive Director is the one that always has to make the speeches. As the Assistant Executive Director, you can be behind the scenes and not have to be in front of everyone.

The money and prestige of being number one comes at a price. For many this is worth it but for me the above reasons out weigh my ego’s need to chant “I’m number 1!” I’m happy being Spock to my Captain Kirk.

The Gifts Conversation

Published April 15, 2010 | By deborah

“I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to tell you a story about your kids,” began the principal of my third-grade twins’ Solomon Schechter school. And despite her casual tone, I suddenly stood erect, sucked in my stomach (as if that would help), and readied myself to hear an account that would require “a little chat” at home.

“So, Jacob and Sophie were playing basketball at recess together,” she began.

(Recess? Ok, not usually a problem. Together? Hmmm…isn’t that why we chose a school with three third grade classes? For less “togetherness”? Togetherness for our kids is not next to Godliness – in fact, it’s in a coffee klatch with Madness, Boisterous and Riotous).

To read the rest of this article from the Jewish Week, click here!

Deborah Grayson Riegel, MSW, ACC
www.myjewishcoach.com

Come on In, The Water’s Fine!

Published April 1, 2010 | By deborah

This morning, I told Jacob and Sophie that we’d be going swimming after baseball camp. By “we” I meant my husband and the two of them. “Why aren’t you coming?” Jacob asked, annoyed. “Oh, I’ll be there….I’m just not going in,” I told him. This was not – or shall I say, should not, have been news to him. I show up at all kinds of bodies of water — even in my bathing suit, which is one of my least favorite parts of the whole ordeal. But getting into a chilly lake, ocean or pool just is not my cup of (iced) tea.

“Mom,” Sophie said calmly. “How about if we give you as much time as you need to get used to the water? We promise not to rush you.” “Yeah!” Jacob said, in a rare moment of twinship.

I have to say that I’m considering it. If Jacob and Sophie keep their end of the bargain – which, as they know, includes no splashing, rushing or taunting — perhaps I can take my time to make something I dread more enjoyable for me, which will make a great experience for my kids.

Where do you need to take it slow so that you can acclimate? What’s your “cold water”? And who can help you make it a warmer experience?

To your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

Decisions, Decisions!

Published March 31, 2010 | By deborah

I was on the phone with a coaching client today (we’ll call her Dee) who was struggling with an embarrassment of riches: she has so many opportunities available to her – both personally and professionally – that she feels overwhelmed by the decisions she needs to make. Love her or envy her (no, “hate her” is not an option — I am VERY protective of my clients!), but chances are you know her – or you’ve been her. How do we decide what to take on and what to pass on?

I asked Dee to think about a decision she had made recently that felt like a “no-brainer”. Her example was taking her daughter on a college interview with the Dean of the school. Despite the fact that she had made the decision without an awareness of a decision-making process, I asked her to think about the factors that made this decision an easy yes. Here’s what she came up with:

Unique opportunity
Important/Makes an impact
Fun
Timely
Aligns with her values
Manageable cost(s)
Potentially large payoff(s)

Look at that! Even without knowing that she had a set of decision-making criteria, she was using it. Then, we took this list and tested it against several other decisions she had made — and some that were pending. The criteria worked, and we realized that we had one to add to it:

That’s right. Dee often relied on an inner sense that yelled “yay” or “nay” to her when she had a choice to make. And interestingly, as soon as we named “gut” as a key decision-making factor for her, she reported that her stomach had been hurting her enough as of late that she had called the doctor. And while I am certainly an advocate for modern medicine, I do believe that our bodies give us powerfully useful information about what’s going on in our heads.

How about you? Think about a decision you have made recently that felt easy-breezy to you and see if you can back it up into a set of criteria you can use for future decisions that don’t feel as cut and dried.

And post your criteria here — I’d love to see how your head works!

To your Success without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

Reading this Blog (and Oprah, Business Week, and People Magazine) Can Dramatically Change Your Relationships!

Published March 15, 2010 | By deborah

I’ve got a file 3 inches thick called “IDEAS” that sits on my desk as a receptacle for every article I rip out of newspapers and magazines. Whether it’s Psychology Today, Entrepreneur, or yes, even Oprah Magazine, if I read it, and think someone else could relate to it, I rip it out.

Read it
Relate it
Rip it

Many of these articles are food for thought for my newsletters, articles and blogs. Some of them are for home use, and I’m very, very careful with the articles I read, relate and rip for my husband Michael. Trust me: he has no patience for the thinly-veiled ruse called, “I saw this article and thought you’d be interested in it” when in fact, I really mean “Here’s an article I read that highlights something about your personality, behavior or habits I’d really like you to change, and I am hoping the article can do the dirty work rather than me speaking with you about it directly or realizing that this just isn’t going to change. That doesn’t fly around here. Other articles are for you (yes, YOU) and if you haven’t gotten one from me yet, I look forward to sending one your way soon!

Here are some of the articles I have hanging around:

Time-Saving Tools and Technologies for Professional Speakers
It’s Showdown Time: How to Take the Fight Out of Confrontations
Leadership in Turbulent Times
Transforming Professional Relationships
10 Blogs to Write Today (I’m actually using this one RIGHT NOW)

I consider my bank of articles (and yes, sometimes they are online and I email a link to them) one of my best relationship-building tools. I love reading something and thinking, “Aha! Amy would love this one!” and then sending it along. It’s a win-win – you get something of value and I get the opportunity to give you something useful that demonstrates that I genuinely know what’s important to you and that I care. And when someone sends ME an article? Well, I am tickled pink. Even if it’s not quite on target, the very act of you thinking of ME makes me happy.

I do notice that the articles my mom sends me tend to focus on a particular theme: They are typically about people who do what I do – coaches, speakers and trainers — and are much more famous than I am. Because I know her and love her (and I know that she loves me), I recognize that her goal is not to make me feel like an underachiever. In fact, her consistent message through her articles is: “You should be every bit as famous as these people are – if not more!” Mom, if it’s bashert it’s bashert. I know that you’re relying on me to get you into the Oscars one day. Right now, I’m happy to have a job that I love. And thanks for always wanting the best for me!

So, as a personal and professional relationship-building tool, keep reading. And relating. And ripping. (Sending is, of course, the final step). Want me to send you an article? Email me your address and I’ll pop one in the mail that you’ll LOVE! Besides, I’m always looking for a reason to quit work early and cuddle up with the new Real Simple!

To your Succcess without the Tsuris,
Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com
http://www.myjewishcoach.blogspot.com

The Blessing of Your Blind Spot

Published March 3, 2010 | By deborah

Why always focusing on the big picture is short-sighted.

During a recent surgery (thank you, I’m fine), as I sat in the pre-op waiting room in a backside-baring gown, I realized that the fellow in the next cubicle kept looking at me. I admit that, on a typical day, my ego might have gotten a boost. But on this day, with no make-up, no sleep and no food, I was frustrated rather than flattered. I couldn’t reach my curtain to close it. I couldn’t find a nurse within earshot. There was only one thing I could do – I took off my glasses. As soon as I couldn’t see my nosy neighbor, I didn’t care who or what he was looking at.

Less sight, less tsuris.

U.S. Olympic bobsled pilot Steven Holcomb had been piloting his four-man sled virtually blind due to an eye disease when he decided to have surgery to restore his vision. While the operation was successful, Holcomb found that his newly sharpened vision interfered with the instinctive driving style he had developed to compensate for his lost eyesight. So he scratched and dirtied his visor, deliberately obscuring his vision so that he could go back to driving by feel.

His result? The Gold medal touch.

The best yoga class I ever took was when one contact lens fell out on the way to the gym. Instead of my regular Zen-free practice of comparing everyone else’s upright Roman columns to my Leaning Tower of Pisa, I focused exclusively on enjoying my own experience.

Om.

We all know that having a clear, concise and crisp vision is critical in our personal lives and for our organizations. In fact, I facilitate countless meetings that help teams and organizations clarify and articulate a shared vision. I begin my work with coaching clients by asking “what do you want?” to help them discover and crystallize their personal vision.

But in order to focus on what we want, and what we need to do to get it done, we sometimes need to deliberately blur our vision from peripheral distractions. By actively choosing to ignore (for a moment or for a while) what the other guy is doing, who’s judging us, or how something looks rather than how it feels, we can better focus our time, energy, attention and actions.

Click here to download 10 Questions to Help You Focus on What’s Most Important.

To your Success without the Tsuris,

Deborah
www.myjewishcoach.com

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